Take The Strain And Stress

Occasionally, I think I've figured myself out. I know that I understand a heck of a lot more than I used to.

At my age, I have arrived at a certain sort of maturity that is quite welcome. Most of the time, I've got it together.

But I have control issues. I know this. And yet, when this rather inconvenient and overdeveloped sense of self-importance rears its little head, I act surprised.

I am anxious tonight. Not because of fear or worry, but because tomorrow I have to relinquish a great deal of control. And I am yet unsure of the days that follow tomorrow.

It's minor, really - in the grand scheme of things, it's so unimportant. It's a minor knee surgery - arthroscopic removal of a torn piece of cartilage. Tony will be with me all day. The kids are covered. Somebody is bringing dinner. My mom will be around Thursday morning. Work is covered.

But I will be at the mercy of the doctors, of a broken body part, of the healing process. At some point tomorrow I will be unconscious while the surgery takes place.

And this makes me feel very, very bad grumpy anxious frustrated out of control.

And this is a problem for me. The lack of control leads to a lot of anxiety.

Which leads me to believe that for all my maturity and my old-age wisdom and everything else that's good, I'm reduced to a five-year old when I can't have things my way. My entire world feels upside down.

And the entire thing is so minor that I feel like an idiot.

I worry about a lot of things that I cannot control. Is it that I am worrying about those things, or concerned about  who is going to run the world when I cannot?

I'm an idiot. But God loves me, I know this. I have friends who love and care for me and my family, and they don't seem to mind that I am an idiot at times.

I am listening to this lyric from Tim Hughes, and learning more and more about letting go. It is not an easy lesson for me. But I am learning.

Take from our souls the strain and stress
And let our ordered lives confess
The beauty of Your peace
The beauty of Your peace

Today's Prayer

From A Liturgy For Ordinary Radicals:

"Keep us from self-pity, Lord, and stir us to rise each morning expecting to encounter you and be caught up in your work. Amen."

Ordination Service

Just realized that they taped Sunday's ordination service. It's online here.

Go on, take a look. You gotta push through the first seven minutes of waiting - but dial it in about 7:30 and check out the amazing band. For those of you who have known our family for a long time, you can hear Sarah, Shannon and Syd sing together on "Here I Am To Worship"; and you can imagine the swelling of my heart. Daniel played percussion throughout the entire service.

Proud mom.

And proud friend. Major props to Walter Felton for a killer guitar solo on "Brighter Day", to Patrick Parkins for bringing the jumping energy, to Todd for brilliant drumming, to Travis for being an exceptional musician. To Sarah, for being Sarah and using that incredible voice to worship God. And to Lindsay, for all that she is - beautiful woman, excellent musician, amazing vocalist and great leader.

I love this band. And I loved everything that happened Sunday night.

Hope you check it out and find yourself blessed.

Knees, Soup and Such

Monday morning bullets (so what if it's already Monday afternoon):

• So thankful today for the flexibility of a job that allows me to work from home when necessary. It's a good day for that, as the rain has just begun; according to the radar reports, we'll have a wet few hours this afternoon.
• I'm working, trying to catch up and plan ahead. But it's slow going.
• Started the day with a terrific early meeting with huge implications for the future of the Worship Arts team at PCC. Had one of those "duh" moments that relate to the whole "I know the plans I have for you. - God" parts of our faith. Looking forward to what happens next.
• Still basking a bit in the glow of last night's service. The band was incredible. I enjoyed every minute. It was really, really cool. And my parents sat with me in the front row; Mom, Dad and my husband, all of us together. That meant so much to me. It was a good night.
• My three girls sang together as part of the service last night. They were awesome. I was proud, but they were just awesome as worship leaders, regardless of my maternal pride. Daniel was right behind them playing percussion. How cool is that?
• Potato soup on the stove. Yum. Thanks to a mom who believes in handing down good books, magazines and ham bones.
• My daughter Shannon is safely back in Harrisonburg after a great weekend at home. I appreciate that she was here for the ordination service. She brought friends with her; they are extremely cool. They got themselves up and left for JMU at 5AM this morning.
• Saw the ortho doctor this morning; surgery scheduled for next Wednesday to repair a torn medial meniscus. Looks pretty basic and uncomplicated, but it requires general anesthesia. Recover is dependent upon each individual; I could be on crutches one day and ready to paint the house the next, or I could be in severe pain and on crutches for two weeks. We'll see.

That's all, that's it. It's Monday and spring is on its way.

Tomorrow...

Chauncey and his wife Christine

Tomorrow afternoon, I'm going to a service at PCC. I helped plan it, but I won't be on the stage. Along with my friend and co-worker Chauncey Starkey, I'll be the center of attention in an odd and uncomfortable way. Both of us have commiserated about our distaste for having a fuss made about us, which is exactly what we'll be getting tomorrow.

I blog about my life; if you read and think I'm self-absorbed and disturbingly introspective, you probably have grounds to make that claim. But I write to process, and I do it here, probably because I'm heard, and that matters. So be it.

I am on a stage in front of a lot of people almost every week. I enjoy it; I am extremely comfortable in that venue. Maybe that's an indicator of a big ego or a desire for the spotlight. I don't know. You could make that argument, I suppose.

But here's the thing: I like to blog and I like to be on the platform on Sundays. I'm wired that way. It is what it is, which is good, because it's my life. It's good. But I really, really don't like being the center of attention. It makes me so uncomfortable and I feel terribly awkward. Don't sing to me in a restaurant for my birthday. Don't take my picture. Don't make a fuss over me. I actually have a lot of introverted tendencies, and they are surprisingly strong.

Chauncey feels the same way. But tomorrow, he and I are both stepping out of our comfort zones and sitting down for something that feels a bit awkward, but will undoubtedly be one of the most meaningful moments of each of our lives. We have each sensed that God has called us to full-time vocational ministry, to serve Him (currently through the local church) and we've accepted that call. We both sat through separate ordination councils, after working through written answers to a battery of questions about our faith and its practice. We defended our positions to the members of the councils and answered any questions they had.

And they ordained us. We are each "official" ministers; we have the right to be called "Reverend". (Which is sort of weird. Because I don't feel "reverend"...but then again, I sort of do....) The ordination itself is done, confirmed, over. But the cool part (at least for the ones I've attended before) is in the service, where the entire church is invited to participate in "setting apart" an individual for ministry. The way it works at PCC is we have some singing (my kids, in this case, along with Lindsay Harris and other awesome worship leaders) and a little scripture reading and praying, and a short explanation from Brian...and then all who are so inclined are invited to speak to or pray for the ordainee. Chauncey and I will sit in chairs in the front of the room, and the people will line up and they'll speak words of wisdom. Or encouragement. Or whatever they are led to share.

It is a humbling honor to consider being given such a gift. I am not quite sure what to do with it. I received an email today in which a friend wrote,  

"Tomorrow, you are being set aside in God's service. He has taken you on an incredible personal and spiritual journey, unlocking greater leadership gifts along the way.  Your continued obedience and daily choice to serve Him through challenges and blessings has brought you to this point. God has called you to something New. It is a story that is still being written. But your calling has been confirmed by others who recognize that new calling, and agree that this calling requires your being set apart in such a way that the world will recognize it."

Later, my friend included this statement: "Tomorrow, when it's time to lay on hands and speak words of encouragement, I may just hug you and cry tears of joy, and maybe whisper a little 'I love you.'  Please know that behind those words are these prayed over and carefully chosen words that I have written here today."

I was so moved by the words in that email. I mean really, profoundly moved. And I began to consider that as much as I've joked about dreading being the center of attention tomorrow, maybe this is going to be an incredibly encouraging, transformative experience.

Of course it will.

I've been part of ordination services for others, and they are all profoundly moving. So I don't doubt tomorrow will be, as well.

I'm going to take a deep breath, and enter into the day waiting to see what new things God is going to unveil. My parents will be there; my girls are going to sing together. My friend Lisa is here from Ohio, my husband will be beside me. Friends and co-workers and fellow musicians who have become family to me will be there. I will be surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses, both here on earth and above (I've NO DOUBT that Bob Pino has set aside time to join in; however thin that veil may be, I know that his presence will be felt. Bob was one of my biggest cheerleaders and encouragers. He and Jeannie helped me get to this place.)

It's going to be a good day. My ordination service is tomorrow, and I'm finally excited.

Don't call me 'reverend'.

It's at 6PM at PCC's Powhatan Campus, 4480 Anderson Highway. You're all invited. :-)

Maida Vale: Signs of Life

With Signs of Life, Maida Vale sets the nail for their claim as a Great American Band. This sophomore release reflects a maturity and a commitment to making good music regardless of market trends. From the gritty opening of Jordan to the raw blues of Walk Resurrection, this is a group of men exploring and executing the primal instinct of making music.

And their instincts are true. The lyrics on this record are personal, thoughtful, honest. The recurring theme of falling short and brokenness, driven home in the repetitive, unrelenting hook of Never Been Good, meets a consistent counterbalance of grace and hope; it's not always overt, but it's there. The overall message of this record resonates with the title track - it shows signs of life, tinged with a hope that is keenly aware of the human condition.

The instrumental layers on each track offer tasty tidbits of bluesy rock and roll. From harmonica fills to luscious guitar fills, the band creates sound washes with rhythmic accents that set the stage for each story. The banjo - yes, banjo! - links an undeniable appreciation for deep country roots that gives each song a sense of history.

Maida Vale makes music that is fresh and clean, yet firmly planted in the raw roots of all that is good about American music. To listen to this record is to trace some history; songwriters for years have offered up their hearts to the world as they work out their salvation within the context of four minutes of rhythm and melody. This band enjoys the benefit of great chemistry, superior talent and applied skill and effort, and it shines through in this record. You'll listen again and again, uncovering each layer of applicable meaning. And maybe dance a little, too.

Great record from an excellent band.

The record is currently only available as a digital download. Check it out here; the best $10 you'll spend today. Promise.

A Blog Post About Dennis Green

These are two of my favorite men, ever. Both of these guys have had a profound impact on my life.

Brian, on the left, is my pastor. He played the role of counselor for me during a few difficult years of transition in my life, and he did it well. He's my co-worker. He makes me crazy sometimes, but it's all good because I make him furious sometimes. We get over it. Working with Brian has taught me a lot about a lot of stuff, and it's made me a better person - a better minister, a better woman. I'm a better wife to Tony because of Brian's influence.

And we're friends.

Dennis, on the right, is our executive pastor. He has been a good friend with a listening ear on more than one occasion. He's been a good supervisor and boss, and though my relationship with him is not full of fireworks (like with Brian), it's proven to be just as influential. During Dennis' ordination council, I told him that he was one of a handful of people that I trusted, absolutely and completely, with no reservation. Dennis is a unique individual. He is steady and wise, tried and true. He's transparent without being all gooey about it. I'm a better employee and minister because of his guidance. He's surprisingly funny. And he sings. Sort of.

Two weeks ago, Brian asked Dennis to deliver the message to kick off our Be Mine series. It was intentional - it gave Brian a little breathing room and allowed him to be at Westchester on Sunday morning. Dennis did a great job; he collaborated with Brian on the content and delivered it very well.

And then Brian got sick this week, and although he kept thinking he'd be able to pull it together, by Friday morning it was obvious that he'd be out. Dennis got the call Friday morning; he had two days to put together a message.

Two days. If you preach a lot, that's probably not a big deal. But Dennis is our Executive Pastor - not a regular teaching pastor. Two days to prep a message would put most normal people into panic mode.

But I never saw signs of panic. Brian asked Dennis to do the message, and he had two days to do it. And here's the thing: he did it. It was a good message, with strong content and some very funny, memorable moments - the kind of things that stick with you, the stuff that God uses to remind you of Biblical precepts later in the week. Yay Dennis.

And here's the other thing: in spite of the fact that his schedule was already booked with requirements of his "real" responsibilities at PCC, which included parking lot work and gravel hauling and who knows what else, he did it. And I never heard one complaint. Not once did he even remark that he felt overwhelmed or even that he was tired. He just did it. No comments, no questions, no whining.

The message today included a discussion of submission in marriage; Dennis had to unpack a somewhat controversial section of the Bible and make it relevant (if you missed the service, you can see it in it's entirety here). And as I watched him deliver this talk about how submission and humility and service can reap rewards in relationships, it occurred to me that he was a walking, talking, living example of what he spoke. Dennis does "whatever it takes", he shrugs off any personal inconvenience and he simply moves forward. With an attitude of grace and a total lack of ego. He simply submitted to the call, regardless of how it impacted his plans or needs, and he did what was required.

We're better for it. Not only because of the message he delivered today, but because on a daily basis, this man of character and integrity is leading our church, making hard decisions about important matters.

Dennis Green is a godly man of good character. He may not be that complicated, and he may simply need a sandwich and a Big Gulp to make him wag his tail, but he's exactly the kind of man I want leading my church and influencing our community.

*By the way, I titled this "A Blog Post About Dennis Green" because he's always giving me grief about being all creative. I decided to keep things simple and plain, just so he'd appreciate it. :-)