Great day today, and I am exhausted. First day I've felt like myself in a while.
I didn't drive for over three weeks. I whined and complained, but it was a blessing. I had some amazing conversations with the folks who volunteered to give me rides. There was something about those snippets of community that was extremely important and unusually beneficial to me.
I'm driving now; I drove to church this morning. And in the message I heard there, Sammy Frame took my unintentional mindless meandering daily way of life, wrapped it in a conviction sandwich and dropped it, conveniently, right in my lap. And then we had the opportunity to share communion together, and things moved and shifted. All for the better. I was powerfully aware of the reality of God this morning, the common experience of a group of people open to experiencing His presence, and the impact of a man who lived and died over 2000 years ago - one that we still remember, and sing about, and talk about, and talk to today.
And I drove home, my phone in my lap, boys in the car, and I thought about Sammy's honest confession that he looks at his phone first thing in the morning and last thing at night and in that bit of identification with the common brokenness of our technologically-obsessed culture I heard "you can do better."
And I know where that came from.
And I started this blog post with a completely different intention, something about not watching The History Channel like everyone else on my Facebook feed, and about being exhausted but grateful because I feel like I'm inhabiting my life again, and about the incredible experience of inviting folks to show up for a Harlem Shake shoot and seeing the wackiest, craziest and creative costumes and props that I could have imagined, and about cooking dinner and eating at the table for the first time in four weeks with six places set, and about surprising, tear-filled conversations and a coming week crammed with meetings and an incredible, music-filled celebration coming next weekend. But my fingers followed my heart and the things rolling around in my brain, and this is what needed to be said.
I can do better.
I intend to focus this week, to live with more intentionality. I want to live into the wild and reckless notion of trust rather than the simple, more negligible notion of faith.
I want to do better, and I have a chance to do just that.
Even as Sammy reminded us today of the danger of associating our validity with blog comments and 'likes' on FB and website stats, I am posting this...and, quite honestly, hoping you WILL read it and like it and respond. That's the truth. I'm not sure it's a good thing, but it's the truth. And I'm going to think a bit more about just what that means for the way I say I want to live my life. I think it's true, that I can do better. And I think it requires some changes....
If I commented on my own blog, I'd note the irony; if I'm going to change, why not just start? Close the computer, turn off the phone, quit posting on the blog. Live differently.
Don't just write about it.