It's Sunday, December 8th. I said I'd be "blogging Advent", by which I meant that I'd blog every day, linking daily to the reading my church is doing (the reading I chose for our church to do). After the success of my daily blog posts in October, I figured I had this.
But it's been three days since I posted last, and my gut is twisting and turning in that weird way. My inner child is whining.
"Nobody really cares. Just drop it."
The other child is full of reminders.
"Here you go again; another on the long list of Things You Don't Finish."
They both need to shut up.
Here's the truth: Although the reading we - I mean I - chose is good and true and solid, the truth is that I am finding it less than inspirational.
The truth is that I am doing a completely different Advent devotional.
I feel incredibly hypocritical, continuing to copy and paste words that just aren't stirring my heart in this particular season. This is not to negate the value of Piper's devotional guide for anyone at all. I may well encounter his writing again next Christmas, or the year after that, and find it fills me. Different strokes for different folks; some things resonate more than others. It's an issue of timing, a seasonal thing.
But the truth is, I have shied away from blogging these last few days because it feels like I'm not telling the truth. And that is not okay; not here, not in this place where the words I choose are those that echo the authenticity of my life, the reality of who I am.
This is so important to me. And here's what I found myself doing, these past few days; hiding, of a sort.
Hiding from myself, from my intentions, from my tendency to play a part rather than be a person.
Writing keeps me healthy, somehow. I'm not a "real writer"; there is nothing of value that returns to me because I cast these vowels and consonants out into the internet. Not a "real writer"; but there is this: Writing keeps me real. I have to do it.
So here's the truth; you can read John Piper's Advent devotional every day. If you can navigate to a blog, you can certainly make your way to the Desiring God website and download Good News of Great Joy. It really is excellent, solid truth. I do highly recommend it.
But me? I'm going to lean hard into the wind and whisper that God seems to be burning into my soul, in this particular season of Advent. I'm going to continue reading Ann Voskamp's The Greatest Gift, and I'm going to encourage you to pick up a copy for yourself. Even though we're eight days into Advent, you can still join in. I'm going to keep reading, and sit still in my rocking chair as God continues to lead me beside the still waters that soften the hardness of my busy heart. And I will blog what leaks out.Here's the truth:
I feel freer already.
Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. John 8.32 (NIV)
5 comments:
I could use a little freedom myself right about now so I'm going to take you up on this. I'm having trouble with the whole Christmas season this year...so here's hoping. And I trust you...thanks for your honesty.
its in the air...... and YOUR BLOG is the only blog I have read in a week...... I haven't allowed myself the pleasure of reading or learning this week..... I feel free to say everything, yet nothing ......and most of the time when I say "everything" I regret at least part of it..... so I will speak to you with my inner child to your inner child......... I CARE AND SO DO LOTS OF OTHER PEOPLE........probably more than any other "non movie star" that I know.... thanks for you.... <>>
Well, at least you're trying. Better than I can say for myself. It was like after the October 31 days, my muse went silent. Do what feels right to you my friend. As soon as you can though, figure out what we should do next so I don't totally shrivel up and lose my words again. xoxo
I feel confused, always, when you write about yourself as a non-finisher or non-completer or quitter because I don't see that. But it interests me b/c I think of myself that way, too, and why? (Betcha it's an emotional scar from divorce.) If we kept doing everything we started out doing--even if it wasn't working well for ourselves or others--we'd have no room to explore the things that do and will work. Of all the things you've ever quit, do you really regret quitting any of them? Because I can't say I do...except there's this book I'm supposed to be writing with two other people, and I really need to have a conversation with them. love you
Writing keeps you speaking your own truth, or writing it... same thing... it's your truth nonetheless... and this was your truth... which is far better than empty words... and an empty heart.
Peace Beth... you are an inspiration to me, as this has been staring at me from my own plate all day.... once again.. speaking my own truth... we haven't chatted in a while... but some twisted twists this past week along with a couple Dr appts from hockey toothpick land... and you know, I asked myself, "how have I prevented myself from looking at the truth?" Kind of slides right into your frame of ref. here... thank you thank you as always.... and you know Beth, advent is a time for quiet waiting and contemplation... why not just sit with that.... and listen for the voice... or see what needs to be seen... just be... relax Beth, relax.
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