It's Sunday, December 8th. I said I'd be "blogging Advent", by which I meant that I'd blog every day, linking daily to the reading my church is doing (the reading I chose for our church to do). After the success of my daily blog posts in October, I figured I had this.
But it's been three days since I posted last, and my gut is twisting and turning in that weird way. My inner child is whining.
"Nobody really cares. Just drop it."
The other child is full of reminders.
"Here you go again; another on the long list of Things You Don't Finish."
They both need to shut up.
Here's the truth: Although the reading we - I mean I - chose is good and true and solid, the truth is that I am finding it less than inspirational.
The truth is that I am doing a completely different Advent devotional.
I feel incredibly hypocritical, continuing to copy and paste words that just aren't stirring my heart in this particular season. This is not to negate the value of Piper's devotional guide for anyone at all. I may well encounter his writing again next Christmas, or the year after that, and find it fills me. Different strokes for different folks; some things resonate more than others. It's an issue of timing, a seasonal thing.
But the truth is, I have shied away from blogging these last few days because it feels like I'm not telling the truth. And that is not okay; not here, not in this place where the words I choose are those that echo the authenticity of my life, the reality of who I am.
This is so important to me. And here's what I found myself doing, these past few days; hiding, of a sort.
Hiding from myself, from my intentions, from my tendency to play a part rather than be a person.
Writing keeps me healthy, somehow. I'm not a "real writer"; there is nothing of value that returns to me because I cast these vowels and consonants out into the internet. Not a "real writer"; but there is this: Writing keeps me real. I have to do it.
So here's the truth; you can read John Piper's Advent devotional every day. If you can navigate to a blog, you can certainly make your way to the Desiring God website and download Good News of Great Joy. It really is excellent, solid truth. I do highly recommend it.
But me? I'm going to lean hard into the wind and whisper that God seems to be burning into my soul, in this particular season of Advent. I'm going to continue reading Ann Voskamp's The Greatest Gift, and I'm going to encourage you to pick up a copy for yourself. Even though we're eight days into Advent, you can still join in. I'm going to keep reading, and sit still in my rocking chair as God continues to lead me beside the still waters that soften the hardness of my busy heart. And I will blog what leaks out.
Here's the truth:
I feel freer already.
Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. John 8.32 (NIV)