Friday, March 27, 2015

I Want To Get Better....Maybe

I have this issue; I keep it hidden. Most people don't know about it.

You might suspect, if you watch me closely. There are certain "tells" that anyone paying attention might catch. Certain things trigger it, and I have to try really, really hard to hide it. But if you watch me closely, you might figure it out.

Lately, it's been bad. And I'm getting to the point where I'm not sure I even care if people find out. I haven't always been this way, but for most of my adult life, it's just been part of me. Sometimes I don't notice it at all. Sometimes it's all I can think about.

I would really like it to go away, but sometimes I think it's that 'thorn in the flesh' thing; I guess I'm stuck with it.

Often, I consider getting some help. I actually have, once or twice. It was embarrassing, but I swallowed my pride and asked for help.


I got two different answers, two different solutions, but neither of them seemed to help long-term.

So I'm not feeling too confident in the ability of some professional to help me with this.

I've googled it, of course. Don't we google everything? In fact, I'm up right now, in the middle of a sleepless night, because I was searching the internet again for answers. Why me? What is happening?

At least I discovered this: I'm not the only one.

That doesn't ease my suffering and I'm not sure I found any solution, but it does mean something - knowing that there are others out there, just like me.

Here's the truth, though; I really do know what will help. Once a few years ago, I sort of stumbled upon the "cure", so to speak. It was sort of accidental - I was doing something else and realized that the side benefit fixed my issue. It was a relief, and I was really pleased.

But it didn't last, because I abandoned what I was doing that helped. And before too long, I was right back at the start - struggling. Distracted. In pain.

I do know what will help; I just choose not to do it, because the discipline and sacrifice of moving past this issue do not appeal to me.

Because that's what is required: I have to lay down my immediate wants, my passion to gratify my desires, and sacrifice for a greater good. And I'm just not willing to do it. The pain of my problem is not yet greater than the pain of what I have to give up to get better.

/ /

Before I tell you what it is - and I will, because I'm all about that full disclosure - I wonder if my situation makes you think of something similar in your own life. Because I wager that every one of us could be in a different place if we were willing to make a sacrifice.

We know what it takes to get better.

Is it worth it?

1 comment:

Lindsay Durrenberger said...

i remember when i started eating disorder therapy that i was so scared. i was scared to get better for a number of reasons. 1) i didn't know life outside of it. i only knew what life was like with the disorder. that was uncharted territory and it was scary. 2) i only ever knew myself with ED. what if i lost myself completely without a disorder to cling to?

i totally get it.