Four of my five kids are home, after a long two weeks with only one or two here at a time.
I have yet to process this comletely, but when we were riding home from the airport, together again, I realized how completely incapacitated I have felt this week. I was physically sick, yes; but that wasn't necessarily kid related ("Or WAS it???" asks a maniacal voice, sounding somewhat like my subliminal self....)
My four oldest children were gone, and I became incomplete.
Before my mom calls me up to tell me I'd better get used to it - that they're going to all leave eventually - let me say that I'm prepared for that. In fact, although I miss Sarah, there's something very natural about her absence. She's 18. She just graduated. It's time for her to fly.
But because motherhood and its responsibilities have dictated my every choice, every action, especially in the few years, this felt like a huge, gaping, sudden and unexpected wound. Even though it wasn't.
Makes me wonder how ready you can ever be to watch someone walk away. Even if you're sure they're coming back.
Makes me wonder what lies underneath all that's labeled "MOM" in me. Even though I've always been pretty sure I knew.
I'm a lot less certain of that than I expected I'd ever be.