Take The Strain And Stress

Occasionally, I think I've figured myself out. I know that I understand a heck of a lot more than I used to.

At my age, I have arrived at a certain sort of maturity that is quite welcome. Most of the time, I've got it together.

But I have control issues. I know this. And yet, when this rather inconvenient and overdeveloped sense of self-importance rears its little head, I act surprised.

I am anxious tonight. Not because of fear or worry, but because tomorrow I have to relinquish a great deal of control. And I am yet unsure of the days that follow tomorrow.

It's minor, really - in the grand scheme of things, it's so unimportant. It's a minor knee surgery - arthroscopic removal of a torn piece of cartilage. Tony will be with me all day. The kids are covered. Somebody is bringing dinner. My mom will be around Thursday morning. Work is covered.

But I will be at the mercy of the doctors, of a broken body part, of the healing process. At some point tomorrow I will be unconscious while the surgery takes place.

And this makes me feel very, very bad grumpy anxious frustrated out of control.

And this is a problem for me. The lack of control leads to a lot of anxiety.

Which leads me to believe that for all my maturity and my old-age wisdom and everything else that's good, I'm reduced to a five-year old when I can't have things my way. My entire world feels upside down.

And the entire thing is so minor that I feel like an idiot.

I worry about a lot of things that I cannot control. Is it that I am worrying about those things, or concerned about  who is going to run the world when I cannot?

I'm an idiot. But God loves me, I know this. I have friends who love and care for me and my family, and they don't seem to mind that I am an idiot at times.

I am listening to this lyric from Tim Hughes, and learning more and more about letting go. It is not an easy lesson for me. But I am learning.

Take from our souls the strain and stress
And let our ordered lives confess
The beauty of Your peace
The beauty of Your peace