Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Take The Strain And Stress

Occasionally, I think I've figured myself out. I know that I understand a heck of a lot more than I used to.

At my age, I have arrived at a certain sort of maturity that is quite welcome. Most of the time, I've got it together.

But I have control issues. I know this. And yet, when this rather inconvenient and overdeveloped sense of self-importance rears its little head, I act surprised.

I am anxious tonight. Not because of fear or worry, but because tomorrow I have to relinquish a great deal of control. And I am yet unsure of the days that follow tomorrow.

It's minor, really - in the grand scheme of things, it's so unimportant. It's a minor knee surgery - arthroscopic removal of a torn piece of cartilage. Tony will be with me all day. The kids are covered. Somebody is bringing dinner. My mom will be around Thursday morning. Work is covered.

But I will be at the mercy of the doctors, of a broken body part, of the healing process. At some point tomorrow I will be unconscious while the surgery takes place.

And this makes me feel very, very bad grumpy anxious frustrated out of control.

And this is a problem for me. The lack of control leads to a lot of anxiety.

Which leads me to believe that for all my maturity and my old-age wisdom and everything else that's good, I'm reduced to a five-year old when I can't have things my way. My entire world feels upside down.

And the entire thing is so minor that I feel like an idiot.

I worry about a lot of things that I cannot control. Is it that I am worrying about those things, or concerned about  who is going to run the world when I cannot?

I'm an idiot. But God loves me, I know this. I have friends who love and care for me and my family, and they don't seem to mind that I am an idiot at times.

I am listening to this lyric from Tim Hughes, and learning more and more about letting go. It is not an easy lesson for me. But I am learning.
Take from our souls the strain and stress
And let our ordered lives confess
The beauty of Your peace
The beauty of Your peace


WhatAboutNovember said...

Haha. You used one of my favorite phrases. "I am an idiot."

I adore you anyhow. :)

And if the world stops spinning and we all fly off it tomorrow, at least we know who to blame, eh?

Gorgeous Girl Gossip said...

Oh man, I struggle with the same thoughts and feelings when things are out of my control. How do you deal, without giving yourself an ulcer?