Sunday, June 1, 2008

Laying Down My Rights

We had a great day today - more details later, including the part about the text messaging contest we had in the middle of the service. But right now, I wanted to get this out of my head and heart and onto the blog.

One of the tunes we chose was Surrender, an awesome Vineyard tune. This song is very meaningful to me, and I've sung it for several years. Lately, one of our powerhouse singers (also named Beth) has led it, and her smoky voice has just the right raspy vulnerability to make the tune very powerful. She was on the schedule this week, but I slated myself to lead it because I just really wanting to sing. I haven't led anything for a while...and I love that song...and I just wanted to sing. Part of the challenge of calling the shots, especially on a team where there's a ton of talent, is knowing when to step out and lead, and why.

For today, I just felt like singing. That's the best I can explain it.

However, after the text messaging thing and what amounted to about 5 minutes of me up front talking, when I moved to the keyboard during the prayer, I stood there thinking, "This feels like the Beth Brawley Show. I should have let somebody else sing this song." And while Kevin was praying, I start a conversation with myself.

"Get the other Beth's attention. Tell her to sing it. You've been talking too much."

And I'm having this conversation with myself as he finishes the prayer and I begin the intro. And I say BACK to myself, "It's okay. You wanted to sing this, you have a right to sing every now and then. You're an artist, too. You need to express yourself. It's okay, you're a good singer, good communicator, it's gonna sound great. It's all good."

And I think, "I could just whisper to Beth right now. She's standing right here beside me. She's sung this before. She'd do great. In fact, she's probably wondering why I didn't ask her to sing it this time. I should just give this to her."

Meanwhile, I'm still playing the intro.

And I think, "Nah, you're all good. It'll be good. You deserve a chance to sing now and then..."

And the intro is over. So it's settled. And I sing.

I’m giving you my heart and all that is within...
(gulp – am I really giving it, or just singing this song?)
I lay it all down for the sake of you, my king
(lay it down? give it up?)
I’m giving you my dreams, I’m laying down my rights
(my RIGHT to sing? I deserve a chance to sing occasionally?)
I'm giving up my pride for the promise of new life
(oh man...oh man...)

I was so convicted.

God’s doing SOMETHING in me, and more and more it feels like he’s saying, ‘GET OFF THE STAGE, GIRL. GET OFF AND MAKE SOME ROOM FOR ME TO DO A NEW THING.’

I find this rather terrifying.

But I love it when God is working in me.

Going to the Willow Creek Arts Conference next week and fully expecting Him to speak to me, big time. Can’t wait.


kim said...

Beautiful post, Beth. That song is on my 'favorites' list as well. Can't wait to hear how this work God has begun keeps working.... :)

EJ said...

i love those leadership moments. i think it is particularly difficult for those of us who have a gift we love and need to use in addition to preaching/leading the spoken parts of the service. you are right, there is always a danger that worship becomes about who is leading and not whom we are following...on the other hand, there is always the conflict that there is an inner need to give God a part of ourselves that is just as much a part of who we are, but we don't use as much -- whether it is dance, music, painting, etc. these, too, need a "voice"/expression/an outlet. its like breathing.

have fun at the WC art conference. i've never been to one of those, always wanted to go. but i've been to a few of their leadership conferences. good worship. good inspiration. good ideas.