Thursday, December 11, 2008

No More Church Talk

I haven't had any down time in a while.  I'm not complaining; it's a schedule I choose, for work that I love.  But I have gone nonstop for about 2 1/2 weeks now, without a full day off in the lot. I make time for the kids here, a half day shopping with my mom there, etc., but I have not gone 24 hours without working at some level in quite some time.  Again, this is on me - no fault assigned to anybody else.  I choose to stay connected and involved in work every day, without setting aside time for non-church related stuff.

But I've reached a point where it's necessary. Yesterday, while presenting some ideas at staff, I got so frustrated that at one point I clutched my head in my hands (headache. very bad.) and said a bad word.  Admittedly, it was one of the milder bad words; but it was a bad word.  

Now, in many cases, this is not a major issue, unless you weigh in that we are a church staff, and ideally should be a little less colorful with our language.

But I digress...

So much has been happening. I am basically doing two full-time jobs at the moment, in the middle of the Christmas season. I'm energized and excited - wrapping my arms and my brain around a communication strategy that we are designing and implementing, and I love it. I'm executing some decisions at a leadership level that feels very new for me - but one that feels right. I'm talking to a lot more people, working towards inviting them to step up in various areas of responsibility and leadership on our production team.  I'm working harder, differently, more focused.  And I'm still playing the piano and doing music.

It feels good.  In some ways, it's terrifying - but it seems like a good place to be.

However, there is loss.  The loss is the immense chaos at home. Christmas is two weeks away, and we're not even close to being able to do any decorating, because the state of the house is such that I can't imagine piling up more stuff on top of the stuff that's already littering every room. I've not focused much energy on marshalling the troops at home to tidy their rooms, put away their clothes, clean up the bathrooms, etc. We're getting by, but it seems to be just barely.  They're good kids, but they are kids, and they need leadership and encouragement and reminding.  Lately, I've been giving away all my leadership energy at work.  There's just not enough left when I get home.

This is not how I want to live.  This is not the right way to live.  This is not fair to my children.

Chaos at home only bothers me when there's too much other stuff going on. I have to have order somewhere. Often, it's in my head, through my job. Rarely at home. But when I feel completely overwhelmed, I need order. And yet I feel completely paralyzed to work to achieve this needed structure.

It's a catch-22.

So, after a day yesterday that stretched from a three hour staff meeting in the morning, cussing at my much-loved coworkers, emailing an apology for said cussing, lunch inhaled while straining over the computer, managing music charts for rehearsals, supervising a graphic design for a January mailer, assimilating information for a big Sunday discipleship promotion, conferencing about a major change in leadership for our video team, leading the music team through prayer and some vision casting, running a two-hour rehearsal for Sunday's music, followed by another two-hour rehearsal for Christmas Eve music, arriving home at 11:30 PM....and I'm so exhausted I can't remember where this sentence even began, much less imagine how to end it...

Anyway, I cancelled meetings scheduled for today and declared that I was taking A Day Off. No church stuff.

Tony came by and picked me up for breakfast; as we sat in the booth and I told him all about my day yesterday and everything I'm doing, I stopped abruptly and said, "I'm done. No more church talk. Let's talk about you."

So we did. Now I'm back home, with a great opportunity to make a dent in the chaos. Except there's so much to do that I don't know where to start.

A nap is much more appealing.

Pray for me, willya? I've gotta get some stuff done around here....


mary (elizabeth) said...

Praying for you.

Also, let me know how I can help you. I'm excellent at order, organizing, and you KNOW how I feel about Christmas & decorating. I'm happy to help you in anyway that I can. Plus-I don't really have a job at the moment. ha!

Love you all this big wide world and back again!

Kevin Salyer said...

My dear sister, may these words comfort you...

Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is holy
Be still, O restless soul of mine
Bow before the Prince of peace
Let the noise and clamor cease
Be still

Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is faithful
Consider all that he has done
Stand in awe and be amazed
And know that He will never change
Be still

Be still and know that he is God
Be still and know he is our Father
Come rest your head upon his breast
Listen to the rhythm of his unfailing heart of love
Beating for His little ones
Calling each of us to come
Be still

Your loving brother,

Angie said...

Glad you cancelled appointments today. Sad to hear that you went out to breakfast since you like sleeping in:) I hope it wasn't too early.
I hope you get to spend some time with that wonderful family of yours. I have gotten to see your two oldest, beautiful daughters multiple times this week, and I am better for it. They make long, difficult days worth it. I'm looking forward to that spicy ginger kid brightening up this rainy day in a little while.

Lisa said...

Consider yourself prayed for, love.

Mary said...

Praying for you, Beth. You need a nap. You deserve a nap. Delegate. Be a homebody for a few days.

Ray said...

I love that we have "normal" people on our church staff, and not a bunch of workaholics who spend so much time working they forget about what is going on at home. I also appreciate that you can recognize when you need a day to recharge and refocus instead of just crashing on ahead, only to spin your wheels. I hope you had a great day off.

Patty P said...

Like a good neighbor... Pat Prayers are thereeeeee....

I know exactly how you feel, I've been feeling like that for the past 2 months. I have confidence that you rock.

Shelly Milburn said...

I'm glad you took a day off-totally off- I always wonder how "our favorite" neighbor does it all.. You know we are ALWAYS there for you... You have the GREATEST kiddos ever too!!!

vicki said...

Beth, sometimes when I get to feeling overwhelmed I get this picture of people being like restless little puppies and God is the stable post we are tied to. Sometimes we want to run away, but we are safely tied to him. Christmas time gets too busy and we need that security and stability in our lives that Christ provides. He is GOOD!!! I loved the "Be Still" song. (I think it's a song isn't it? ) That helped me too. I need to be still in the midst of chaos too.

Have a wonderful Christmas.

Love to you and yours