Sunday, July 10, 2011

My Little Breakdown

A picture of me.
I came as close to what I'd call a nervous breakdown today as I ever have.

It all just felt like too much. When the straw fell that broke the proverbial camel's back, I was at the kitchen table, hunched over my computer, trying to manipulate technology that I don't really understand in an attempt to complete a creative process that I fully comprehend.

As if that makes sense.

Anxiety, stress, a sense of everything tightening around me and no place to go. Difficulty breathing. And then tears leaking out of my eyes, morphing into sobbing. A "mom sob". What you do when you know the kids are in the next room, and you know that they'd freak out if they saw you crying. Especially when they ask, "What's wrong, Mom?" and you reply, "Nothing. EVERYTHING!"

I sat at the table and fell apart because I couldn't get a video converted. And the spiral of everything-that-is-wrong began in earnest. Things were named that have been lurking in my subconscious. All my fears and failures (that's in a song, isn't it? Points for the first one to name it...) All that was unknown. All that loomed before me; decisions and dilemmas.

A whole lot of stuff. Big stuff. Serious stuff.

I sent a text to a trusted friend. "I don't want to talk. I just need to say this, I need you to pray for me. I am overwhelmed...this is why...."

I named all that I could.

On Facebook, I jumped in on a conversation among a group of people - none of whom I have ever met in person. I asked them to pray for me.

They did.

My husband came home. So much of my fear and anxiety seemed to land on his head; it all had something to do with him, it seemed. It's not that he had done anything wrong or owned any blame - it's just that our lives are so intertwined, it's impossible to overlook the crossover.

And so, buoyed by prayer, tingling with tears, and shaking with anxiety, we started to talk. I was mad, pouty, snippy. And then I asked if we could go sit on the porch.

In the dark, snuggling in a wicker chair, I cried. I talked. I vented.

I just told him how scared I was, of all the things I couldn't manage, didn't understand, couldn't control, didn't know.

After a time, we sat together in the dark, and I reflected back on the message I heard at church tonight. God made us for companionship.

We are to carry each other.

I opened my mouth; my truth came out, along with fear and pain and hurt and anxiety. It came to rest and ascended on the prayers of friends known and unknown, and in the arms of somebody who promised for better or worse. Tonight might have been one of the worst, but the flip side is relatively easy to access.

Tonight, I am grateful.


Brandee Shafer said...

We all come apart, sometimes. Praying for you. Thanking God for those in your life who listen, and pray, and lift up.

~m2~ said...

Everyone needs compassion A love that's never failing Let mercy fall on me....

I need all the points I can get :)

Good you got it out and have support. I get that - problems shared are divided, and you had people praying for you, which is so cool. The hardest 3 words to say aren't "I love you," they are "I need help."

(I like you, too, ya cutie. This grieving-process-for-my-mom is getting old and regardless of where I am in my other stuff, writing has always been a great outlet for me.

Look at that - turned it into being about me :) glad you are feeling better <3

spookyrach said...

Glad you've got good people who will listen. And who like sitting on the porch in the dark. :) Hope the stress lessens soon.

annie said...

So beautiful! I agree with m2, "I need help" are the hardest words in the world to say.

Y'all don't know how much that whole conversation fed me. Thanks!

Ayekah said...

I agree with m2 also.... I had a day half like that...and for the first time actually told someone I needed help. WHich is really hard for me to do.... friends from church. I said, I can't do it alone, I am going to need some help and support through this one. They are, like God always present, even when I can't see them.
What a blessing you have someone to talk to...
thanks Beth... I really needed to read this today. Blessings and a prayer answered for me.

Princess of Everything (and then some) said...

This made me cry.

Your words and honestly are so wonderful and needed for some of us.

*God made us for companionship.*

Yes Ma'am we are.

fueledbydietcoke said...


also. you are loved.

fueledbydietcoke said...

psh. also MIGHTY. fail.

Cyn Huddleston said...

I <3 you, Beffie.