Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Some Thoughts

A few things:

I'm too much in my own head. It takes me two days just to unwind, to shake off the adrenaline, to quit the mad brain-race of ten different projects open at once. It's been fascinating to watch myself, to have an awareness of how my mind functions in what have become normal circumstances. I see it now because I've seen it unravel in the past two days.

It's as if my brain - the actual INSIDE OF MY HEAD - is a file cabinet, and allthethingsIgottado are manila folders. And most every day, my energy goes to this mad thrashing and flailing, flipping through one folder after another, glancing at one, sorting out a project, getting derailed, grabbing for another folder, looking for information, getting off track, grabbing yet ANOTHER folder, trying to make a decision...etc. CRAZINESS, PEOPLE. CRAZINESS.

I watched this process all day Sunday, as if from outside my body. One by one, I either took care of things (dealt with the content of the folders) and was able to put them away, or gave myself permission to come back later. All this going on in my brain, now. Giving myself a chance to focus on one thing, or to focus on nothing.

Focusing on nothing? Sounds rather NON-PRODUCTIVE, doesn't it?

Ah, but no. That FOCUSING ON NOTHING looks and feels a lot like prayer. Like peace. Like being able to hear a still small voice. Like getting out of my head and opening up my eyes to the world around me.

It seems to have become a pattern, and I wonder: Is it just that this particular season of life - five kids, single mom, full-time mom, full-time job - is one that requires such mental gymnastics? Should I just be thankful that I have opportunities like this to get away, to sort things out, to calm down?

Maybe so. I guess that's okay.

But honestly, I'd rather find a bit of balance and live like this more consistently.

Maybe I should move to the beach?

1 comment:

annie said...

I really do think some of it is just the stage of life you are now in. But I also think there is a fine line where you have too much of the rumbling around in the folders in your mind and you have to slow down and take a few deep breaths...kind of like you are now doing.

I really like what you said about focusing on nothing feeling a lot like prayer. Seems like maybe sometimes when we think we are focusing on nothing, we are really just making room for the Spirit to show up.