Study Break 2013

Every year, I get a study break.

Every year, I try to take a bit of it.

This year, I'm doing it right.

(Here is a little glimpse of last year's break...)

I'm taking the entire break in one big clump, as encouraged by my boss (who had a terrific, extended study break during his sabbatical last summer). After Easter, I tidied up a bit and then left creative planning in the hands of my remarkable team at PCC and set off. I spent the majority of the first week in Savannah, where I managed to renew my soul and spirit through connections with my daughter, her friends and an incredible church. I did some good, hard study preparing a message for City Church, and enjoyed the challenge of sharing a message from God with a group of relative strangers. Great conversations were had, incredible food was eaten and the 2013 Study Break was off to a great start.

Sarah and David...

I followed up with a trip to Raleigh - with my eldest daughter and her boyfriend - to see her reconnect with her brothers, and to see my eldest son's drum line take first place in the AIA championships. It was a good, if incredibly exhausting, Saturday.

This week, I am mostly home. I've set aside specific goals for each day; yesterday, I reconnected with a husband who held down the fort (in spite of a sinus and bronchial infection) while I was gone, and I did my part at his music store by teaching some incredible musicians their private piano lessons.

You know who you are...

In this photo, you'll see one of my students' hands as she begins to work on a Clementi Sonatina that I played in high school. What goes around, comes around. I find that one of the greatest joys in my current existence is the privilege of working with piano students. To see music come alive for them, as the discipline of years of practice and dedication pay off - wow. It connects everything internally - my love of teaching, my passion for music, my genuine fondness for my students - and the reward is like nothing else. It is passion and purpose, and spiritual in ways that I can't even articulate.


I took a walk through our little village. It's no Savannah, but it's home.

Today I was a domestic diva, staying home, listening to my former pastor preach via the magic of the internet (Jamie Rasmussen, Scottsdale Bible Church - the man God used to teach me the most about grace) and cleaning. Sort of. I'm a half-hearted cleaner who is easily distracted, so it was not difficult to interrupt the day with a conversation over coffee with a good friend who also happens to be my current pastor. And my boss. Lots of great stuff going on in life and in our church, and it was good to reconnect.

I was inspired to cook by the incredible tacos at Foxy Loxy.
These are a far cry from Foxy Loxy, but they were homemade and it's a start....

I visited my church, enjoying very much the glimpse of the faces I love who are carrying out the mission of PCC. I visited my husband. I came home to visit my son, and I listened over the phone as my daughter read a dramatic interpretation of her testimony, which is entangled with my own, and I found myself very emotional.

The freedom to move throughout the day with the undercurrents of grace and inspiration all around me fuels the best, deepest part of my creativity. Things begin to churn and swell and before I know it, they erupt. I know I am where I am supposed to be, and expanded breathing room like this helps me to be my best.

The remaining days of the week include focused study time, artistic inspiration, a structured retreat at Richmond Hill and moments with my boys whenever I can find them.

I'm also thinking of planning a big party. I'm turning 50 in just a few weeks!

I'm grateful for every day of every one of those almost-fifty years; with each day that passes, my gratitude grows for the privilege of life, well-lived. Working, study-breaking, vacationing - it's good just to be alive.

Creme Filled

When I was hired for the job I currently hold, which is something along the lines of creative arts director/minister of music/worship leader/experience coordinator (DON'T LABEL ME!!!!), my boss offered what seemed to be an incredible gift. He said, "You'll get a few weeks each year of study break. You're creative; you need to protect and care for that part of your life so that you can be here for the long haul." (Or something like that; it's a loose paraphrase.)

I was excited and sort of honored. With a background in teaching, it sounded at the time like he was handing me a mini summer vacation to keep me healthy. While it's not a vacation, it's at least a change in routine, time to read and reflect and think and pursue something other than cranking out another worship set for Sunday.

In the past four years I have worked in and around this idea of a study break. It's awkward at times, because, frankly, I know that some folks wonder what it is, why I get it and what the heck I'm doing. What makes me special as a staff member, to get three extra weeks "off"? It's a little embarrassing. 'Cause I'm all about making other people happy.

I've wrestled with this, along with trying to figure out the ebb and flow of my productivity.

And here's what I've discovered: my boss was right. I need this. And rather as a gift to me, in the long run it is all about the end result for the investment made in me by the folks who make it possible for me to pay the bills.

How do I know?

Because after two weeks away from being creative and productive (and, frankly, feeling dry and empty) - one week of study break paired with a real vacation week - I am full to overflowing with the creative energy necessary to meet my weekly responsibilities. I'm better spiritually, too; but simply based on what I am paid to do each week, I feel like a Krispy Kreme donut that just got a shot of the most delicious creme filling. I woke up this morning - early, way before the alarm - with a song floating through my head, something we needed for an upcoming service. I spent hours yesterday in planning for our next series and was thrilled with the collaborative efforts with my friend and partner and the outcome. A meeting with our missionaries resulted in the bones of an incredible service designed to honor their work, reflect the mercy of God and inspire others.

I feel like singing again. And, being an artsy sort, I can't make that happen on my own.

The bottom line is this: my boss was right. I am grateful. God is good.

And I can't wait for band rehearsal tonight!!!

Some Thoughts

A few things:

I'm too much in my own head. It takes me two days just to unwind, to shake off the adrenaline, to quit the mad brain-race of ten different projects open at once. It's been fascinating to watch myself, to have an awareness of how my mind functions in what have become normal circumstances. I see it now because I've seen it unravel in the past two days.

It's as if my brain - the actual INSIDE OF MY HEAD - is a file cabinet, and allthethingsIgottado are manila folders. And most every day, my energy goes to this mad thrashing and flailing, flipping through one folder after another, glancing at one, sorting out a project, getting derailed, grabbing for another folder, looking for information, getting off track, grabbing yet ANOTHER folder, trying to make a decision...etc. CRAZINESS, PEOPLE. CRAZINESS.

I watched this process all day Sunday, as if from outside my body. One by one, I either took care of things (dealt with the content of the folders) and was able to put them away, or gave myself permission to come back later. All this going on in my brain, now. Giving myself a chance to focus on one thing, or to focus on nothing.

Focusing on nothing? Sounds rather NON-PRODUCTIVE, doesn't it?

Ah, but no. That FOCUSING ON NOTHING looks and feels a lot like prayer. Like peace. Like being able to hear a still small voice. Like getting out of my head and opening up my eyes to the world around me.

It seems to have become a pattern, and I wonder: Is it just that this particular season of life - five kids, single mom, full-time mom, full-time job - is one that requires such mental gymnastics? Should I just be thankful that I have opportunities like this to get away, to sort things out, to calm down?

Maybe so. I guess that's okay.

But honestly, I'd rather find a bit of balance and live like this more consistently.

Maybe I should move to the beach?

This Is What Study Break Looks Like

Yes, I know it's a mess - yes, Mom - I KNOW!

But it makes perfect sense to me.

Self Portrait

I'm on my second round of study break; abbreviated, but still necessary and, I expect, incredibly profitable.

Last time (April) I did a lot of reading.

This time, planning. Thinking. Praying.

And silence.

Starting with beauty all around me, a little Derek Webb in my ears and a lot to process from the Leadership Summit.

I'm not sure how much I'll blog this break, but if I have something to say, it'll likely be dumped here...

Peace~

Double Dipping On A Sunday

Great day today.

Totally disengaged from the planning of a Sunday experience, I attended two.

After I slept until 8:30.  On a Sunday!!!  Woo hoo!!!!!

We headed first to Hope Church on Patterson Avenue in Richmond.  I was excited to walk in and see a) a fiddle player and b) a banjo player on the front line of the musicians.  Balanced with two electric guitars, bass, drums and keys, it was a great lineup.

It was a simple service.  The vibe of the entire place was terrific - the "official" greeters were well-balanced, but the "regular folks" in the hallway were most impressive.  When we walked up to the coffee bar (some of the best coffee in Richmond, by the way!  Very impressive for church coffee!) and responded to the "Free Cup of Coffee for Our Guests!", people responded to us with gentle introductions and smiling faces.   The building itself - the architecture, the decor, the colors - was really impressive and very, very comfortable.

Loved the music, the intimate feel of the room, the relational vibe of the teaching pastor, the media, the program.  We were led - quite comfortably - to the communion table, and it became a very holy moment for us.

Had a chance to chat with the pastor afterwards; walking out, I had a novel thought:  If I wasn't at PCC, I'd go here.  It just felt that good.

We scooted back to PCC to catch the second service, and had another terrific experience.  I was very disengaged this week, so much of the service was fresh for me.  The band was great, the production values were excellent - lighting, media, sound.  The message was striking.  It occured to me that from my perspective this morning, I got it.  No wonder people keep coming back to this church.  Brian's message - on a very difficult topic - was so undergirded with sensitivity and honesty and openness, without any churchy answers or platitudes.  The invitation that never came was implicit - you can trust us.  We get it.  We'll walk with you.

I was proud of my friends, the people I serve with day in and day out.  But I was thrilled to get a glimpse of how my church is functioning in the kingdom.

And now, back to real life.

Doing Church The Way God Called Us To Do It

Home.  Sitting in Panera waiting on results from a local show choir competition.  Here, engaged, but not really here....

Feeling convicted about my "Dear 21st Century Church" post.  Seems like I either didn't explain myself very well or there was something bitter running through the entire thing experience that leached through.  In spite of three edits, I didn't see it.  Still not sure what it is.

I don't want to offend or be a stumbling block.  I took the post down.

And then I read this today, from Perry Noble's blog, which is far more powerful than anything I could ever dream up to say about any other church experience.

"One of the things that I always teach here at NewSpring Church is that we do not have the corner on the market when it comes to a movement of God. We aren’t doing church “the right way.” We aren’t doing church a better way. We are doing church the way God called us to do it…and if another church is doing what God has called them to do and people are being reached, lives are being changed, sin is being repented of, the excluded are being included, teenagers are discovering their potential in Christ, marriages are being restored and children are learning about Jesus and so on…who in the world would want to criticize that? (Answer - satan…just in case you were curious!)" - Perry Noble

Let's just leave it at that, shall we?

I'm sorry.

Blessed Assurance

One last walk this morning....

....

Contemplating my 'take home' from these blessed five days, surrounded by brilliant blue seas, white sand and glorious sunshine, I kept chanting, "Glorious.  Glorious.  You make everything glorious.  Thank you, Jesus."

As a worship leader, I have noticed one of my habits is this:  During a gathering, overwhelmed by the privilege, the harmony, the rhythm, the Presence, the fellowship, I stop singing any scripted lyric and simply begin to say, "Thank you, Jesus.  Thank you, Jesus."  Not necessarily tearful, not rendered mute - just so overwhelmed, with nothing to say with any deeper meaning than "thank you."

Gratitude flowed from my mouth this morning, the crazy lady walking on the beach talking to herself.

After turning around and heading back, I found myself grateful for the real-ness of Jesus to me, the authenticity of relationship that reveals itself almost daily.  Since making a decision to follow Christ publicly some 20 years ago, since jumping headfirst into church life, I've always heard this bit about a "personal relationship".  Coupled with what I read in the Bible, I internalized so many things that were "for me."  Real.  Unquestioned.  Unquestionable.

"My grace is sufficient for you."

"Go, then, and sin no more."

"I will never leave you or forsake you."

"God so loved the world..."

"In all things God works for the good of those who love him..."

"Consider it pure joy when you face trials..."

"Wives, submit to your husbands..."

Et cetera.

(I forge ahead now without any certainty that this makes sense, but I have come to understand a subtle shift in the axis of my understanding that has, I believe, powerfully impacted my faith and the way in which I live my life.  Let's see if I can articulate it.)

In the past, much of my Bible instruction took every statement as fact.  Emphasis was on the inerrancy of the word, and so every statement meant just what it said.  Period.  To examine the context or the culture was frowned upon- it meant what it said, and it said what it meant.  Memorize it.  Paint it on your walls in your dining room.  Buy keychains and greeting cards emblazed with the words.  Believe it.  Don't dig around in the external factors.  Ignore the human part.  Learn the words.

To some degree, there is truth and power in this.  I have internalized so much of the Bible that it sometimes surprises me.  I have found comfort, peace, encouragement, wisdom, strength.

And yet...

In the past several years, I have been encouraged - and self-motivated - to read the Bible in context.  To ask questions.  To dig deeper into the discrepancies.  To consider the audience, the culture, the context.

To actually say, "This doesn't seem to make sense."

At the risk of sounding like I've discovered something rare and unusual that most of the world looks at and says, "Duh!", I'll just marvel at this for a minute.

Because I think that's the key to my joy, my wonder, my gratitude, my primitive conviction that this is true, real, personal.  That Jesus is, as the old hymn says, "mine".

Here's what occurs to me:   The context is humanity.  Our humanity.  To read without a clear understanding of the culture, of the underlying lessons, of the motivations, the larger issues at play is to accept words strung together as moral imperatives, catchy sayings, legalistic commands.  And, in the end, words strung together leave a hollow place in one's soul.

Without context, there's no grasp of the humanity that Jesus inhabited.  The context is us.

The context is me.

Maybe this is so much uneducated, I've-been-alone-too-long drivel.  But it meant something to me this morning as I walked.  

Still processing.

"God, you make everything glorious.  What does that make me?"

Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine

Oh, what a foretaste of glory divine

Heir of salvation, purchased of God

Born of his spirit, washed in his blood.

Mad Church Disease: Overcoming The Burnout Epidemic

If you read a book on burn out, and realize that a lot of what you're reading seems very familiar, you pay attention.

Anne Jackson grew up as a pastor's kid in traditional church settings.  She's seen what church life can be like from a kid's perspective, and she's experienced her own personal challenges.  In Mad Church Disease, Anne writes very honestly about the risk factors, both external and internal.  She's frank about our tendency as humans - and particularly as church leaders - to lead extremely unhealthy lives.  And she's precise without being preachy about what it takes to get better.  She writes honestly about her own struggles and the unhealthy ways she chose to cope.

This book, along with John Burke's No Perfect People Allowed, really struck a chord with me. I'm still processing a lot of what I've read on a personal level; bits and pieces about manipulative tendencies, living out of false assumptions, codependency, confusion about my value outside of my work.  My belief that I have to work seven days a week in order for the world to keep spinning.  Lots of junk, just like the rest of us.

But then I read this:

"We cannot be dependent on ourselves and on God at the same time.  When we consider the practice of rest unnecessary, we will also inevitably lose sight of the necessity of God."  Anne Jackson

And I'm learning.

One of the greatest benefits of this week was the chance to walk for two hours today, down to the end of the island and back.  All along the way, I thought and processed and reflected on where I've been.  And where I'm headed.  I've read four books this week, and spent time reading the Bible, and thought and planned and contemplated.

I've thought about my personal life.  I've thought about my work life.  I've thought about my passion for the local church.

I can't say for sure what lies ahead.  None of us can. 

But I am certain that my path is covered, above, below and all around, by grace.  I wouldn't have it any other way.  Undeserved, unearned, a gift from God.  A privilege and an honor.

By the way, I'd recommend that anybody who serves a church in any capacity read this book. Anybody.  It's worth it, for the sake of that to which we are called.

Anne quotes Oswald Chambers in one of the most powerful parts of the book:

"If you want to be of use to God, maintain the proper relationship with Jesus Christ by staying focused on him, and he will make use of you every minute you live- yet you will be unaware, on the conscious level of your life, that you are being used of him." Oswald Chambers

Boy, I love that.

You can learn more from Anne Jackson and the work to which God has called her on her blog.

Less Clutter. Less Noise. Still Overwhelmed.

Finished book #3 of this study break; Kem Meyer's Less Clutter. Less Noise.  Subtitled "Beyond Bulletins, Brochures and Bake Sales", it's a look at how to maximize effectiveness of communication, focused on the church environment, in light of the information overload systems in place in our current culture.

Kem comes out of a corporate background, which gives her a ton of credibility.  She's not "churchy" at all, but a serious appreciation for the work of Jesus in her life underlies her book.

I was surprised to find a good bit of the book's content has a prior life on her blog.  It was good there, and it's good here - but I'd already seen and heard a lot of this.  However, it'll be a great resource to get into the hands of people working in communications at our church.

As I processed this info, one thing kept coming to mind:  I'm insane.  I'm trying to manage communications from a staff perspective - which really isn't happening at all, or at least in any way that seems cohesive.  And yet we've revamped our website and continue to dialogue about future improvements; we've altered the program and returned to in-house publication, saving stress and money; we've enlisted the work of an incredible graphic designer; we're trying to streamline our efforts.  

But this is a full-time occupation.  And trying to juggle musicians and service planning and production team and programming - whew!  Perhaps lesson numero uno from study break is this:  

Women Who Try To Do Too Much And Why They're Stressed

Well, regardless, here's some great info from Kem's book;

• It's not what you say; it's what people hear.
• Information is now so inexpensive and plentiful that most of it ends up being overlooked, ignored or tossed like garbage.  (True, this.)
• People's needs drive their attention; they notice what will benefit them.
• Get real instead of trying to appear real.
• Everything you do (in communcations) is an extension of your story.
• Simplify the problem - don't complicate the solution.
• Every person in your church is a walking billboard.
• Before you spend money on marketing, spend money on improving the people skills of your people (like reading the same book, training, vision-casting, etc.)

Kem says she wrote this book for the short attention span.  Initially, I found this really difficult. It's interesting to note that my approach to printed information in a book is different than my web experience; I don't want a book to be like a blog.  I want a more leisurely experience; I want a book experience.  Just another example of how people receive and interpret communicated information, I guess.

Great information, though.  This woman is a gold mine.  

Creating Culture

Just finished my second book of the week, John Burke's No Perfect People Allowed.  Great book, full of grace-filled stories that made me cry more than once.  Burke is the lead pastor at Gateway Church in Austin.

I took a few notes but was drawn into the book more holistically than I expected, so the note-taking was minimal.  Initially I was underlining passages with glee - until I realized that this copy belongs to someone else.  My pastor, actually.  I hope he doesn't mind that I wrote all over the first chapter in his book.

A few salient points from my reading:

• Burke quotes Barna in a profound statement about the church's role in today's world:  "(...the role the church must play is) that of a loving, authoritative, healing and compelling influence on the world."  Boy, I love that - loving, authoritative, healing and compelling.  Sounds a lot like Jesus.
• Truth has become relational.  That's why our stories matter so much.  Jesus manifests His presence through His work in people's lives.
• We are dealing with a generation of chaos, often a result of a lack of trust.  So many people have been damaged by families and relationships - how can they easily trust in God?
• People resist arrogance - one of the questions they will ask when they look at Christians is, "Do I want to be like you?"  If the answer is no, we have a problem.
• Burke says "Nothing has been more difficult for me than to watch people react in destructive ways to brokenness."  Acting out of brokenness - even as a believer - can destroy you.  The church must be a lighthouse of hope.
• Burke says, "Statements like 'Christ died for your sins' and 'God so loved the world' have been leached of all meaning for today's seekers."  They won't believe it until they experience it from those who claim to follow Him.
• "To create a culture of grace, a leader must first experience grace - then give it out liberally."  (Excuse me for a moment while I thank God for this, which has been my experience and which has been the impetus for my present situation.  For which I am thankful, and by which I am overwhelmed....)
• Give up trying to fix people.  Accept and love them in order to reconnect them with God. 
• In order to lead others, you have to willingly follow God.

The book's most compelling section is titled Mental Monogamy:  Creating a Culture of Sexual Wholeness.  It's a fascinating, honest look at the way culture interprets and internalizes sexual behavior.  Burke quotes Mike Starkey, who says, "Ours is a culture crying out for intimacy, but only able to conceive of accessing it through sex."  It's a great discussion of why God's wisdom and ways bring life, and how that applies to our sexuality.  Burke focuses on helping people become rightly related to God and truly willing to follow Christ, then guiding them to the freedom of following his ways.  He says, "If we try to force people to morally approximate the gospel before they have the source of life-giving water, we spiritually dehydrate them."  It's a great examination of why and how God's plan for sexual wholeness comes with the mandate for sexual intimacy to be within the confines of the marriage bed, and how the church can create a culture for restoration and sexual wholeness so that God's spirit can change hearts and heal lives.

Good stuff; lots of inspiration here for ministry, for our church, for the future.  Burke's book is incredibly moving, with powerful stories from real people who were turned off by Christians and by the church, but drawn to into relationship with Jesus once the cultural clutter was cleared away.

Lots for me to think about and process.

Stunning Revelations

Some things I learned today:

• When I don't have to cook for a family, I can use one plate.  And one fork.  And just wash them over and over.  Wow.
• After two days alone, I've begun to talk to myself.  Quite a bit.  I also spoke harshly today to a large pot.  Left alone, to my own devices, I will undoubtedly turn into a crazy lady.
• Twitter - especially Tweetdeck - is bad for me.  Having it off for two days has led to some blessed relief.
• My natural rhythm is bed at midnight, up at 8:30.  This has not changed for most of my life.  I sort of thought I'd grow out of it.  Hasn't happened.  That's my normal.  
• I like garlic.
• I'm sure of three things in my life:  the work I do, the people I love and my devotion to my kids.  It's been a journey to get here - on study break a few years ago, I was questioning two of the three.  Now, there's no doubt.
• I'd rather watch 'Biggest Loser' than 'American Idol'.  Study break or not, I'm not missing Tuesday night with Jillian.
• I like yoga.  I did yoga with FitTv today.  It was really cool.

More spiritual/work stuff later.  Lots of great stuff going on.

I am so grateful for this time.  It is a gift beyond measure.

Creating Magic

Day one - didn't fare so well with the technology fast.  But I'm happy with the results.  I have NOT been enslaved to the computer, and that's been a very good thing.

Had a great time in the eleventh chapter of Matthew; I continue to be fascinated and enthralled by the man that I follow.  Finding myself constantly astounded by what feel like new revelations; I've been in church ALL my life, been a committed Christian for twenty years - and yet it seems that every single day, something new and different appears.  It was a source of wonder and joy today, and gratitude.  I'm sure it's a combination of experience, time, circumstances and situations - all wrapped together by the active and alive mystery of faith.  Way cool.  It was great to have some time to just soak in all that today.

I found myself crying a lot this afternoon, moved by music, by words...and I am not quite sure what to make of that.  Again, there are pools of gratitude all around.  It's not necessarily sorrow, but some emotional release.  I imagine I'll have some understanding before the end of the week.

It is really, really cold here - at least in terms of what you might think of as "beach weather".  I walked today and found myself quite miserable.  No sun, either.  But I'm not complaining....

Major in-depth work today was in this book; written by Lee Cockerell, Creating Magic is his "10 common-sense leadership strategies from a life at Disney".  Much of it I find very familiar in terms of what has evolved into some intuitive practices in my own leadership.  Much of it is exciting, and a great reminder of what really matters.  Frankly, I'm a bit surprised at how much I like this book - and how endearing it is.

Here are a few bullet points that I found particularly intriguing or affirming:

• Leadership starts with respect for all people.
• Effective leaders work hard to create democratic, participatory environments (sounds like a church volunteer structure to me).
• Achieve leadership excellence by spreading responsibility and authority throughout the organization; anyone at any level can exert leadership and make a positive difference.
• Leadership means making the right things happen by bringing out the best in others (alot like being a mom!).
• Authority is nothing without good relationship skills.
• Virtually every problem or conflict in the world can be traced to a leadership failure.
• Everyone matters and everyone knows he or she matters.
• One vital question:  "Is there anything else you think I should know?"

That's just the first bit.  I've a ways more to go, but so far, I've found this to be throught-provoking and encouraging.  Our church is growing, as our my responsibilities.  Structural change (another topic Cockerell addresses, which I'm still processing) is on top of us.  I want to be ready and be effective.

Study Break, Part One

I'm on study break this week.

Tomorrow - Monday - is planned as a technology-free day.  That means no internet, no tv, no cell, no twitter, no nothing.

However, there are a few things as yet undone that have to be tidied up in order to preserve my mental sanity for the remainder of this week.  So I might have to aim for Tuesday for my fast.

Here's some of what I hope to accomplish this week:

Ha.  Go ahead, laugh.  But I can't wait to dig in.

By the way, I had an incredible moment during my five hour drive.  It's been a long time since a piece of music moved me to tears.  Now, I've been pretty amped up for the past five days, so I'll grant that it might be more about my hormonal state of exhaustion and perhaps just a need to cry.  (If you're female, I know you understand that.)

But I popped this cd in on my drive, and as it unfolded, I just couldn't help it.  My heart was just torn to bits.  There's something so authentic and genuine and raw about these songs; I want the entire world to hear it.  

So pick up a copy, willya?  I can't afford to buy it for everybody.

Life On God's Terms

Some random stuff...just because...

Shannon was inducted into the National Honor Society today, carrying on a fine family tradition.  It was extra special, because I always play a little "mood music" for the tapping ceremonies.  For a few years now, I find myself sitting at the grand on the stage and playing appropriately-semi-formal chord progressions, with a dash of Pachelbel and Bach and the occasional old hymn.  I enjoy it, and I usually tear up as I watch my kids' peers join a rather elite group.  Shannon finally gathered the credentials to get in, and today was her day.  She was announced and subsequently tapped by her sweetheart, hugged by her dad and stepmom, and then I got up from the piano and skipped across the stage to give her a hug myself.  It was very cool.  I am very proud.

On that note, the entire household has A/B honor roll grades, save for one pesky little C in a statistics class.  I'm extremely pleased with my kids' efforts.  Unfortunately, the two carrots that dangled in front of the boys for straight A's are still dangling - maybe next nine weeks. 

I'm getting ready for a one-week study break next week.  The kids are going with their dad for spring break, and I'm going to hunker down, disconnect and get some reading and forward planning done.  I am really, really looking forward to this with great anticipation - and not because I'm tired.  I am eagerly awaiting the chance to work, uninterrupted.  I know God's messing with me, and I'm ready to do some wrestling.  I have a ton of books to read.  I have a date with God.

Still reeling from the impact of last Sunday's service and the implications for our community.  Life is messy.  Community is messy.  Churches sometimes make it messier.  It's a challenge.

The girls are full-swing into raising funds and planning for their summer mission trip to Macedonia.  I am incredibly proud of them.  They are focused and excited.

Sarah has finalized plans to spend the summer in Germany with our cousins.  She'll care for their kids and live as a big sister to their family for about 8 weeks.  I'm thrilled - and petrified.  Learning how to let go in a major way.  I find myself wondering what, exactly, I was thinking when I said, "Yes!  What a GREAT idea!!!"  But it is, indeed, a great idea.  My head knows that.  I've got a few weeks before my heart believes it.

Every time I turn around, something else musical is going on.  Friday night, Sarah's playing with the band she has half-way committed to - The Half Jeffersons - at a club in the city.  A guy from our small group is playing a swing band show that same night.  Our PCC band is playing cover tunes at The County Seat Restaurant here in town on Saturday night.  Another PCC group is playing a prayer breakfast on Friday morning in Midlothian.  Of course, there's Easter coming up - lots of music and a choir to boot.  The girls just got a call to play and sing at the upcoming Relay For Life event.

We're busy.

We're broke.

But I'm not anxious about it.  Considering this: 

If you grasp and cling to life on your terms, you'll lose it, but if you let that life go, you'll get life on God's terms.  - Luke 17.33

Yes.  In spite of my tendency to grasp and cling, that's what I want.  I'm learning to let go.  I do believe that in the end, life on God's terms is better than the melted mess left in my hands.

Study Break Pictures

Here are a few pics and some random details about last week's study break. It was all too quick, but it sure supplied a lot of bang for the buck! I really enjoyed the time away, for a multitude of reasons. Recently I've been reading Ruth Haley Barton's Invitation to Solitude and Silence and reminding myself how amazing and incredible mere silence can be. We are so busy with ourselves that the concept of being still and quiet and simply sitting is almost inconceivable. I experienced some of that - not nearly enough - but it was a great reminder of the power of presence- not mine, but God's! Barton says that it takes us getting out of the world, completely disconnected, simplified and reduced to no activity, no productivity, in order to recognize the truth about who God is. 'Cause He ain't me. And I need to stop thinking that I'm in control of everything.

Anyway, it was a great trip. The photo at the top is for Syd, my own trombonist. This guy was stunning. I caught him, pre-show, out back warming up. He was among a group of stellar musicians who play just for the love of the music. It was wonderful.
Aside from my awesome time wandering in the woods, I was so blessed to sit at this Steinway and play for several hours. I approached it, alone in the 300 seat auditorium, with reverance, understanding that it was something like a holy moment. Indeed, I just wanted to be with God, after silence, by expressing something through my fingers. So I played....I started with 'Be Thou My Vision', one of my favorite melodies of all time, and I cruised through jazz and pop and blues and worship songs and complete improv stuff and whatever floated through my head. It was cathartic and almost surreal. The longer I played, the more I felt as if I "knew" the piano; I was very aware of the relationship we developed as it responded to my touch. It was really cool.

I took a break for lunch and then went back to play some more, and when I came back in and threw the lights, it was a different experience; not new, not awe-inspiring, just comfortable. I found that very interesting. I brought some pieces to play and dug into a bit of Mozart, which I find a great blessing. The man knew beauty - he wrote the most stunning melodies, and then wrapped them in their simplicity around complicated harmonic and rhythmic interplay to produce masterpieces. I love Mozart sonatas....
When I left, it was a good drive. Through the mountains, no cell service, so I cranked up the iPod with some Martha Munizzi and got ready to relax with my cran-water and drive. I cruised right along, until I encountered the pinnacle of small town excitement - a parade! I happened along at the tale end of the event - in fact, it was as if I was in the parade, because folks still lined the streets as I rolled over horse dung and followed the sound of the band. I rolled my windows down and said 'hi' to folks as I sat, parked, or moved, at 5 mph. It was surreal, truly. One guy threw a piece of candy into my car and said, "Enjoy the parade!" Another guy was offering cans of Coors to everybody who drove by; I declined and he drunkenly howled, "Hey! You look like a teacher!" To which I smiled. It was a very interesting half hour....and later in the trip, before I arrived home, I got in at the beginning of another parade. Just a good weekend for small community celebrations, I guess.
I stopped at a road side park in the National Forest to take a break. I hadn't had time to do my journal and Bible reading that day, so I decided to do it at a picnic table in this setting. It was special and a memorable - and beautiful - time. Of course, I kept fighting off thoughts like, "Woman Traveling Alone Disappears From Roadside Rest; Nothing Left Behind But A Bottle of Cran-water and A Bible". It was a little freaky.
I went closer to the stream, reliving my childhood when I could have spent hours playing in any source of running water - the ditch, the spring behind the house, the river. It was beautiful and melodic, the water running and dancing over rocks and fallen trees. I kicked off my shoes and stood in the midst of it all, saying prayers of gratitude to God for such simple beauty.
Coming out of the mountains, I never cease to be amazed at the beauty of the valleys and hillsides. I find myself wondering about those who live, surrounded by rolling meadows and mountains in their backyards. It is a world far-removed from that in which I live.

I want to get there more often, even if only in my head, my own stillness and centeredness.

Something I Needed To Hear Tonight...

"Chaos is often the shortest path to our spiritual core." - Paul Countinho, How Big Is Your God?

Thanks, Hope. I went through some serious chaos this afternoon. I needed this.

Study Break 08

In spite of the fact that I had a great two weeks out of town, on vacation and 'sort-of' study break (I did some good reading), something in me has been saying that I needed to really have a study break. Part of my job includes study break time, and I either use it or lose it. For me to get away, it's imperative that I know the kids are settled somewhere, rather than leaving them alone or farming them out to somebody.

Because of everybody's schedules this summer, it's been hard to find that time.

But I grabbed a few days this week, before David comes home on Sunday (the other kids are going to camp), and I headed to the mountains. It's too short, but I figured it would be better than nothing.

And wow.

I have met with God. He has shown me 'signs' that are almost funny, which does something amazing to my heart. I feel like I have a relationship with my Father that is growing and expanding and becoming truer and more intimate daily. I have no doubt that the primary reason is because I've taken seriously the call to spend time reading the Bible daily. I'm using the journal we made available at church, and knowing that so many of my friends and PCC family members are doing the same has really helped.

Last night, I listened to three hours of amazing music, performed by some of the finest 'hidden' musicians in America. Lots of old time cowboy music, which is not necessarily a style I love, but when you hear music done with excellence and passion, it's good no matter the style. I heard some incredible western swing music performed by a master. It was a good evening.

And today, I had the best day of the summer thus far. It didn't seem to consist of much in the details, but overall, it was tremendous and restorative. I took another 'walk in the woods' and had a great conversation with God, although the devil must have gotten ticked and sent mosquitoes. Eventually I had to bail.

I played the finest piano I've played in years for about two hours, a beautiful Steinway; just improving and messing around, actually working on a transition for a tune we're doing on Sunday, and then playing some Mozart sonatas. I'm reminded that I am a musician, and not just somebody who plays in church. It was very healing.

I have walked quietly and smiled at people and said, "Hi", but refrained from relational challenges. I have thought a lot about who I am and where I am, and what God is calling me to do next.

I read the rest of the book of Acts and enjoyed every minute.

And for a while, I just sat. I was still.

And I was with God.

There is nothing better.