Wednesday, February 8, 2012

A Year Has Passed

I started blogging in August of 2007. In a few months, grace every day will celebrate its fifth birthday.

This blog has had over 72,000 page views. Sounds like a lot, but half of them might be me, just visiting my old self.

It's become my journal, this blog. A place of record, a holder of memories. Because life is just going too fast, too much, too soon. I'm not ready for half of it, it seems; and then it's gone and I realize that I never even had it. This blog helps me remember it.

I think maybe this has been the hardest season since I moved to Powhatan, these last 12 months. Sunday marked a year since my friend Bob's passing. I still miss him, and the waves of longing for him hit - though less frequently - just as powerfully as they did in the days and weeks immediately following his death.

I miss Bob.

And then we changed so many things - started a new business, left our home of five years to move into a new place, which we promptly began to renovate, which means we never really nested. The work on the house is taking longer than I hoped - which is always the case, isn't it?

And so we are in a season of upheaval, with a child graduating high school, another hoping to begin art school in a month (and move away from home), growth and transition in my job that are both rapid, terrifying and exhilarating. There was a serious bout with skin cancer. There was knee surgery.

And then there's the slow changes time brings...I am approaching the end of my forties. My feet are dragging; I was digging in my heels, but I couldn't gain traction. I'm at the mercy of the endless motion of time, being drug through the days and weeks and months, captured by the relentless carousel of time. I am struck dumb, paralyzed, unable to comprehend these changes. I have gained weight. I am not comfortable in this body, with these lines on my face, these changes in my skin and my joints.

I went back to read where I was at this time last year. I hardly recognize that woman. I was sad and in mourning and overwhelmed but I was so centered. And it wasn't just something I conjured up to make a blog post: it was valid and it was real and it was me. I was present, and focused and functioning and thoughtful and articulate.

What happened?

It hardly seems possible that an entire year of my life could have been sucked into grief, and life stage changes, and simply growing older. It's like a dark drape settled over my everything for the past eleven months. No sunshine, not enough time, too much angst, not enough energy....

But maybe it IS possible; maybe I just have never been there before. Of course I haven't...I've never been almost-49, with two daughters out of high school and one almost done, with a 16-year old son and 12-year old giant boy and a husband of two years and a cat and a hole in my heart where Bob Pino used to live and a music store and a new kitchen (almost) and and and and....

I am so sick of listing my circumstances.

I want to remember who I am.

And discover who I am becoming.

And it is not easy.


Brandee Shafer said...

I am so glad you wrote this post and saved me from the embarrassment of getting the dates wrong. I was going to write a post tomorrow b/c I thought Bob had left us on the 9th. I don't know how I had it wrong, but--come to think of it--I don't know anyone's departure date, off hand. Anyway, I miss him, too. I miss him more than I ever guessed I might. But I carry him w/ me every day, and--like so many others--I try to honor him by living out at least some of what he taught me. We were so blessed to have that time w/ him, and--when I say "that time"--I mean to share that specific time in his life. He was so great and so strong in the Lord that it's hard to believe he wasn't always the person we knew him to be. If he were reading your post, he would say: "Beth, you are more beautiful than ever. Don't look back. Don't long for what is behind you: be glad for where you are, and look forward to what's ahead. Because it's only going to get better, and you're only going to become better and more beloved." He loved you so much. He waits for you and for an entire community of people who were his family in the Lord.

I love you, too.

annie said...

Yesterday was two months for me AND my birthday.

I think often of this quote,
"Grief is perhaps an unknown territory for you. You might feel both helpless and hopeless without a sense of a "map" for the journey. Confusion is the hallmark of a transition. To rebuild both your inner and outer world is a major project." --Anne Grant

It makes sense to me that grieving would be a messy process and it seems you are grieving many things, Beth.

Blessings on you as you continue walking this road. Watching you walk it from a distance has been, is, a blessing and encouragement to me.

PattyP said...

I thought it was easy. Easy like Sunday morning.

Bill said...

It's been a long time since checking in over here. I'm so glad I did... I too had a Bob in my life and I think too of how much watching his life has helped shape mine. Pat and I are VERY DEEPLY involved in heavy duty individual and couple counseling. Some amazing stories of God's redemptive work are coming out of it. Thanks for helping me relook at some of those 2 year ago adventures. At 67 I'm still working at figuring myself out. You are a dear!! BLESSINGS