What Kind Of Wife?

My husband has been gone most of the past two weeks, out of town to take care of a family medical emergency. All is well, and he is due home shortly.

It's been an interesting time.

We are newly married, only about 2 1/2 years, and after 40+ years of life for me, 30 months seems like the blink of an eye. I love the man dearly; love who he is and how he conducts his life. I love that I am better with him beside me, that he balances me in just about every way possible.

I love our life together.

It's been stressful lately, though; a huge season of transition. Kids moving in and out, a major home addition, a new business, health issues, life in general. Our relationship is good, but we've been clinging to faith and hope and love more than we've been able to live it. We love each other; we just don't have a lot of time or energy to be in love.

I think that's just the way it is, mostly. Life is like this for people in this season of life. He told me the other day, "We aren't retired, yet. We have a few years of work ahead of us..."

So in his absence, a curious thing has happened. For two weeks, I have stretched out a bit, spread my arms wide, slept in all of the bed, turned on the light whenever I wanted to, like I used to. I've focused fully on the kids, like I used to. I've felt less anxious, less concerned about how the house looks, whether or not there's food left over (he always gets home late, after closing the music store). I've been less self-conscious and more self-aware. Like I used to.

I miss him, for sure. I can't wait till he calls me and tells me about his day and we listen to one another breathe on the phone before we hang up, way too late for a 615AM alarm. I send him text messages and email. I miss him.

Like I used to.

There's something wonderful and fresh about this longing. We're apart, and the fondness is, indeed, growing.

But it scared me, to realize all of this. To admit, in my head, that I missed him but I was okay.

That somehow, I was breathing easier.

It scared me, and I pushed it all away, and buried it, and leaned harder into the waiting for his call.

And then the other night, I gave in, and I thought about it all, and how it was probably okay that I kind of liked this quick revisit to that other place, where it was me and just me. I lived that way, lived it hard, for eight years. It was me, only me, and the bed was always all mine and my heart was for my kids and when I let go at the end of a long day, I sunk into a place that was just me, and it was good. Easy. Comfortable.

And then I felt called to make a marriage, to commit, to have a partner in the second half of this life. I loved and respected him. I knew, deep in my heart, that he was for me. I chose the "yes", and I dressed like a princess and walked towards him alone, down an aisle lined with my history, into a circle of the best love I've ever known, my children and my friends and my brother and sister-in-law and my pastor and his tears, who tethered me to grace through the working out, through the fear and trembling. I said, "yes".

I chose, and it's been the up and down and chaotic and busy and crazy and fun and deeply joyful. It's been the holding hands, side by side. It's been the passion and the risk, the wide and the deep.

We lived it, up and down, holding on for dear life. And lately, it's been tenuous. But still good, solid. It is our life.

And then these few weeks apart, and I've been reminded of the wide open spaces I walked through when it was Just Me.

And I whispered, finally, the truth to myself.

"I kind of like this."


"This is easier."

Secrets bind anxiety, and I let go my secret to my own ears, and then knew I needed some other ears. I started an email to my most trusted advisor, asking for a few moments, thinking I could pour my heart out and admit my feelings and get some good counsel.

I finished the first sentence and I stopped. I heard his voice, this advisor, and I knew what he would say.

"Have you talked to Tony about this?"

My fear leapt into my throat, and I recognized that Independent Girl, the single mom, the one who Takes Care Of Everything; the part of me that lives in fear, that fixes everything herself, that hates vulnerability, that bears all the burdens. That part of me was terrified to speak these things aloud to the man I loved, afraid of rejection, afraid of letting him process these feelings that had a life of its own.

What kind of wife is content and relaxed when her husband is gone?

A failure.

A bad wife.

I longed to choose the easy, to keep it to myself, to manage it on my own.

I have control issues, but I'm learning.

I picked up the phone, and I called, even though it was after midnight, and I let my heart spill out, carried in the mucky sludge of anxiety and fear and failure.

What kind of wife is content and relaxed when her husband is gone?

It seems odd, I'm sure; but I was terrified. But I told him how I felt, and he responded with understanding beyond my own, layered with love and compassion, and before I realized what had happened, love snuck under my fear and got in between the cracks of my doubt and squeezed until it hurt. He got it, he validated it, he loved me anyway. I admitted my failure.

He loved me anyway.

This is my life. It is not easy.

But I've chosen this, and I'm in for keeps.

And he's on his way home.

I can't wait.

All The Single Ladies (And Guys)

I love me some Perry Noble. Agree or disagree (and I have done both), he is passionate and speaks with conviction about the things he believes God has called him to do and say.

I read his blog. You can read his blog here.

Perry's church, NewSpring Church in Anderson, South Carolina, is doing a series on singles. You can watch or listen to the messages here.

And you can read Perry's latest blog post right here, because I thought this was good enough information to copy and pass on to you.

If you're not single, I bet this would spark a great conversation with somebody who is.

And if you are single?

Think about it.

I/We Should Break Up Because…
Perry Noble

So…we’re in a singles series now (which, by the way, the married people are loving!) This past Sunday I challenged the guys…and this coming Sunday I will be speaking to the girls…and the following Sunday my wife Lucretia will be joining me on the stage for a live Q & A in every service.

One of the questions I often get by guys/girls is how do I know whether or not we should stay together or break up…so…let me throw a few things out there that I hope may be helpful…

I SHOULD BREAK UP WHEN/IF…
#1 – The other person (usually the guy) ceases to pursue me and make me feel special/valuable. (If he is a slacker before marriage…it will be HORRIBLE after marriage!)

#2 – If our relationship is based on sex. (If you are having sex then you are not experiencing true intimacy. SO…when you get married you are going to discover that you have nothing to talk about because you built your relationship with the hay and straw of sexual experiences and not the bricks of self control and discipline.)

#3 – If they are not fun then they’re not the one! (Seriously…if you do not enjoy being with him/her and/ore spending time with them before the marriage…why in the heck would you ever think that you will after marriage? Don’t marry someone that you don’t like–DUH!!!)

#4 – The Holy Spirit is pressing you to end the relationship. (There are SO many people I’ve spoken with that KNOW the Lord is pressing into them to end the dating relationship…but because of their insecurities they just won’t do it. If God is commanding you to give something up that means He has something greater in store. Even though you can’t see it…He can!!! I Corinthians 2:9)

#5 – You KNOW you aren’t going to marry the person you are dating. (Dating was not created to be some sort of hobby/sport. So…when you KNOW that the relationship is NOT heading beyond its current condition…you KNOW that he or she is NOT the person God has for you…END IT! Don’t date someone just so you won’t be alone…this situation ALWAYS goes bad because so many people get married “just because we thought it was the next step!”)

#6 – He/she is always flirting with other people…and/or he/she isn’t faithful to you before marriage. (If they AREN’T being faithful before marriage…they won’t be after marriage either!!!)

#7 – You think, “he/she isn’t who I want them to be…but I can change them.” (PLEASE READ THIS…YOU ARE NOT THE HOLY SPIRIT, YOU CAN’T CHANGE ANYONE!!! God is the ONLY ONE who can change someone…and reality is the reason God may not be changing the person you are with is because you are in the way…and your compromise does not bring that person closer to Christ…it drives him/her away!)

Marriage Is Work

God’s not looking for us to say “I’m sorry” and then keep repeating the same sin over and over…He’s looking for us to be broken, repent and cry out, “I don’t want to live this way anymore!!!” - Perry Noble

We visited NewSpring Church last Sunday, checking out their satellite location at the Florence Civic Center. It was an interesting adventure, seeing how a group of passionate and fully committed folks come together to office a worship experience using technology and a lot of smiles.

I went to check things out in the light of PCC's future endeavors.

I left powerfully impacted by the message of the day.

If you are married, I want to encourage you - no, let me say I want to beg you to watch the message that Perry Noble preached last week. You can log on to their site and literally go to church. Skip through the music if you are short on time (but it's brilliant and worth whatever you have to set aside - you will worship!)

If you are married, you need to hear what Perry has to say. It's from the Bible. It's true. And it matters. If you're not married, it still matters - for your future, for your friends, for your family.

For me, it's personal.

I hope you'll watch. Go here to see Message #5 in the series Five Lies of the Devil.

Creating Culture

Just finished my second book of the week, John Burke's No Perfect People Allowed.  Great book, full of grace-filled stories that made me cry more than once.  Burke is the lead pastor at Gateway Church in Austin.

I took a few notes but was drawn into the book more holistically than I expected, so the note-taking was minimal.  Initially I was underlining passages with glee - until I realized that this copy belongs to someone else.  My pastor, actually.  I hope he doesn't mind that I wrote all over the first chapter in his book.

A few salient points from my reading:

• Burke quotes Barna in a profound statement about the church's role in today's world:  "(...the role the church must play is) that of a loving, authoritative, healing and compelling influence on the world."  Boy, I love that - loving, authoritative, healing and compelling.  Sounds a lot like Jesus.
• Truth has become relational.  That's why our stories matter so much.  Jesus manifests His presence through His work in people's lives.
• We are dealing with a generation of chaos, often a result of a lack of trust.  So many people have been damaged by families and relationships - how can they easily trust in God?
• People resist arrogance - one of the questions they will ask when they look at Christians is, "Do I want to be like you?"  If the answer is no, we have a problem.
• Burke says "Nothing has been more difficult for me than to watch people react in destructive ways to brokenness."  Acting out of brokenness - even as a believer - can destroy you.  The church must be a lighthouse of hope.
• Burke says, "Statements like 'Christ died for your sins' and 'God so loved the world' have been leached of all meaning for today's seekers."  They won't believe it until they experience it from those who claim to follow Him.
• "To create a culture of grace, a leader must first experience grace - then give it out liberally."  (Excuse me for a moment while I thank God for this, which has been my experience and which has been the impetus for my present situation.  For which I am thankful, and by which I am overwhelmed....)
• Give up trying to fix people.  Accept and love them in order to reconnect them with God. 
• In order to lead others, you have to willingly follow God.

The book's most compelling section is titled Mental Monogamy:  Creating a Culture of Sexual Wholeness.  It's a fascinating, honest look at the way culture interprets and internalizes sexual behavior.  Burke quotes Mike Starkey, who says, "Ours is a culture crying out for intimacy, but only able to conceive of accessing it through sex."  It's a great discussion of why God's wisdom and ways bring life, and how that applies to our sexuality.  Burke focuses on helping people become rightly related to God and truly willing to follow Christ, then guiding them to the freedom of following his ways.  He says, "If we try to force people to morally approximate the gospel before they have the source of life-giving water, we spiritually dehydrate them."  It's a great examination of why and how God's plan for sexual wholeness comes with the mandate for sexual intimacy to be within the confines of the marriage bed, and how the church can create a culture for restoration and sexual wholeness so that God's spirit can change hearts and heal lives.

Good stuff; lots of inspiration here for ministry, for our church, for the future.  Burke's book is incredibly moving, with powerful stories from real people who were turned off by Christians and by the church, but drawn to into relationship with Jesus once the cultural clutter was cleared away.

Lots for me to think about and process.