Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Navel Gazing...

I am struggling today. Yesterday. Monday.I want to go back to vacation.

I think this is the first time - ever - that I would have preferred to stay gone rather than come home. Spending a bit of time trying to sort that out, I'm not sure of the contributing factors, but it's always worth it to do a little self-examination. Care to join me?
  • Yesterday we received a piece of mail addressed to the kids. It was their father's wedding invitation. Lots to process there.
  • I came home convinced that I wanted to do things differently - and I do - but I'm not. Doing things differently, that is. Monday was great. Tuesday I got back on the treadmill. And unfortunately, I don't mean that literally. More like the treadmill that is my daily routine. Last night I spent hours mousing around the internet, chasing email, reading blogs, coupled with constant craving to have something in my mouth. After the Ritz crackers came the frozen pizza and then the ice cream and then the rest of David's ice cream that he didn't want and then a glass of Fresca, which I really don't like anyway...and my whole body just feels toxic, bloated, crammed full of crap. I got a lot of exercise while away - seems like we were always walking, walking, walking - and now I'm back to sedentary working, working, working. And eating, eating, eating. And the pushing junk in my mouth seems tied to some emotional thing. It's about time for that emotional/hormonal thing to attack, so that might be part of it...
  • So I'm disappointed in myself.
  • My environment is still a mess. Honestly, when do I get to complain about something new? Geez, Louise. I still haven't unpacked everything - suitcase is sitting in the middle of my bedroom floor. Sarah has two friends staying here for the week, visiting from Ohio and PA, and they are sleeping sometimes in the living room (so there are comforters and pillows everywhere) and sometimes in her room, and there's something in the fridge that stinks but I can't find it (though honestly, I haven't looked really, really hard) and I just want something simpler, you know? Less stuff. More margin. I want a vacation that morphs into real life.

My life feels very complicated right now, and though there are many, many things for which I am thankful, my soul feels uneasy and restless. And I feel no small about of guilt for not being able to find contentment in where I am. I keep hearing the lyric of this song flowing through my brain:

I need to move, I need to wake up; I need to change, I need to shake up
I need to speak out, something's got to break up
I've been asleep and I need to wake up now

Ironically, we're doing this song in church this week - the sentiment fits perfectly with the challenge at the end of the service, although Melissa Etheridge's intent when she wrote the song was to incite us all to action regarding Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth. Whatever. Take truth where you find it. Ironically, I'm going to sing it. And it will be my debut playing guitar and leading. So....

Never-ending navel gazing.
Please pray for my friend Vicki and her husband Dave, who had a stroke on the fourth of July.


Ktea said...

the never ending cycle of Cleaning the House. i don't envy you. i can't keep my room clean enough as it is...

tell kp and christine i said hey. :]

and i'm sure you'll be amazing this sunday, you always are!

miss and love you -


Jan Owen said...

Beth, I can sympathize with you, but have no idea how the wedding invite thing must feel Probably very surreal. And painful. and weird.

I feel this way a bit about my sabbatical. I Wanted to finish it completely changed and yet I find that my struggles are all the same. I think change is - for me - a bit more gradual. But you're right. It requires margin. And space. to do and to think.....and to be.

Blessings as you failure is not the final result....

Connie K. said...


Don't be too hard on yourself.

I started writing a lot of sage advice...but really...all I can say is...

life is hard but God is good.

Stay in prayer. Make extra time for prayer. There's a reason you're faced with singing this song.

I'm praying for you, for your friend Dave, and your family right now.