With The Family

This is Dana (along with Syd and Shannon).

She was ordained to ministry today; meaning that her home church ceremonially confirmed that she is "called" to serve God with her work and her life, and that she is, indeed, doing so. Baptist-style ordination is a mixture of formal prayers and responsive readings and informal speaking by people who were significant in the life of the one being ordained. It was a unique day for Dana, where she was the center of attention, affection and affirmation.

It was a unique day for me, too. Dana had spoken with me to personally invite me to attend, and followed up with a written invitation by mail.

I accepted. I drove to Caroline County and walked into a beautiful, rural Baptist church. It was slightly awkward.

Slightly awkward because Dana and I have a unique relationship.

We're both "Mrs. Brawley".

Dana met and married Lonnie - my kids' dad - last year.

As we have carefully and tentatively navigated the waters of interacting, managing kids' schedules and figuring out how to communicate, we discovered something interesting: we liked each other.

I mean, I really like this woman. I respect her and admire her. She's funny, focused on ministry and passionate. She cares deeply for my children. And she takes good care of the man who was once the most important person in my life.

I swear, I can't sort it out. She and I both acknowledge that it's very weird.

But it is what it is.

I came to the service anticipating that I would simply be a witness. I found a place in the next-to-last pew, in the very back of the church, planning to stay out of sight and out of mind, while still honoring the invitation.

But Dana sent Sarah back to get me. She had saved me a seat, up front.

With the family.

At the end of the ordination service, all those present were invited to speak privately with Dana as she kneeled at the front of the church. Church members, family, friends, co-workers, fellow pastors - for an hour, people streamed by to whisper a prayer, speak words of encouragement, offer a hug. There were many tears. As I watched others stream by, I considered what I should do.

In the end, I went forward and knelt before the woman who is now married to the man that I married almost 20 years ago. We shared words and a hug.

It's weird. It's awkward at times.

But more than anything, to me it's a great demonstration of the reality of this statement:

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." Romans 8.28 (NLT)

And I believe it is proof that grace covers everything, if you just open your heart and let it in.

I don't know if anybody has ever figured out what this sort of relationship ought to be like. I'm just gonna roll with it. It's working, and it's good.

And I'm grateful.

Looking Back: June 06

I blogged my way to health through another medium for a few years. My current blog - this one - is reflective of my current state (of mind and being). The first blog was full of a lot of painful processing. I "met" some amazing people through that work, and many have remained friends - some I have even met personally.

Recently, I thought it would be helpful and informative to remind myself of where I've been.

And I thought maybe, occasionally, I'd offer a look back via this blog.

So here's a clip from June, 2006; I was alone at the Willow Creek Arts Conference in Chicago. It was a powerful but challenging experience. I wrote, a lot.

In re-posting here, I've highlighted a few things that occur to me to be pertinent, in retrospect.

June 2006: To Bring Your Best, You Must Bring Your Worst

...Two very interesting speakers took the stage today: Dan Allender, who started his time with a bang when he declared a lack of confidence by our culture in today's "truth spinners" (pastors). He stated that, for the 21st century, the core isse will be BEAUTY, and that artists are now the evangelists of the next century. "The sermon is now an adjunct." I found that a rather bold statement, one that was no doubt disturbing to several of the pastors in attendance - especially those not from Seattle or San Francisco or Chicago...life in the heartland and the south doesn't necessarily reflect those same cultural shifts, I think.

Allender stated, "To bring your best, you must bring your worst." He encouraged us all to be willing to be honest about your mental and spiritual state, your exhaustion and your brokenness. "God intends - through the creation of art - to expose. When artists create, we are stripping before God. He will wrestle with us (as He did Jacob) and expose us. God will always take you to a draw - no winning, no losing, just brokenness and then a touch to the hip."

It was a fascinating perspective, peppered with much encouragement to accept - even trumpet - inadequacies and shy away from striving for perfection.

This is all so drastically different from the culture even 10 years ago that I'm not too sure the pendulum hasn't swung to the extreme. I appreciated and agreed with much of what Allender said on a personal basis; but it does seem a bit touchy-feely.

It's amazing to me - in hindsight - how this set the tone for the environment in which I am presently working. The level of authenticity that was impressed upon me has carried through into the culture of PCC.

Stunning Revelations

Some things I learned today:

• When I don't have to cook for a family, I can use one plate.  And one fork.  And just wash them over and over.  Wow.
• After two days alone, I've begun to talk to myself.  Quite a bit.  I also spoke harshly today to a large pot.  Left alone, to my own devices, I will undoubtedly turn into a crazy lady.
• Twitter - especially Tweetdeck - is bad for me.  Having it off for two days has led to some blessed relief.
• My natural rhythm is bed at midnight, up at 8:30.  This has not changed for most of my life.  I sort of thought I'd grow out of it.  Hasn't happened.  That's my normal.  
• I like garlic.
• I'm sure of three things in my life:  the work I do, the people I love and my devotion to my kids.  It's been a journey to get here - on study break a few years ago, I was questioning two of the three.  Now, there's no doubt.
• I'd rather watch 'Biggest Loser' than 'American Idol'.  Study break or not, I'm not missing Tuesday night with Jillian.
• I like yoga.  I did yoga with FitTv today.  It was really cool.

More spiritual/work stuff later.  Lots of great stuff going on.

I am so grateful for this time.  It is a gift beyond measure.

My Boy

I'm so proud of this kid.  David is having a great year at school.  His teacher, Monica Gerow, is outstanding.  Between his natural maturation and her incredible skill, she's managed to unlock the key to his head and his heart.

Not too long ago, David struggled to read.  Tonight, as he whipped through his earth cycle study guide, I got all emotional.  He zipped through the whole thing and retained almost everything he read.

My baby is growing up.  Not such a baby anymore.  I'm very proud of him, very grateful for teachers who invest their lives in our children, happy that he has three big sisters and a strong older brother who love him and push him to be his best - to be "A Brawley".  

And I'm honored that God picked me to be his mom.

Life On God's Terms

Some random stuff...just because...

Shannon was inducted into the National Honor Society today, carrying on a fine family tradition.  It was extra special, because I always play a little "mood music" for the tapping ceremonies.  For a few years now, I find myself sitting at the grand on the stage and playing appropriately-semi-formal chord progressions, with a dash of Pachelbel and Bach and the occasional old hymn.  I enjoy it, and I usually tear up as I watch my kids' peers join a rather elite group.  Shannon finally gathered the credentials to get in, and today was her day.  She was announced and subsequently tapped by her sweetheart, hugged by her dad and stepmom, and then I got up from the piano and skipped across the stage to give her a hug myself.  It was very cool.  I am very proud.

On that note, the entire household has A/B honor roll grades, save for one pesky little C in a statistics class.  I'm extremely pleased with my kids' efforts.  Unfortunately, the two carrots that dangled in front of the boys for straight A's are still dangling - maybe next nine weeks. 

I'm getting ready for a one-week study break next week.  The kids are going with their dad for spring break, and I'm going to hunker down, disconnect and get some reading and forward planning done.  I am really, really looking forward to this with great anticipation - and not because I'm tired.  I am eagerly awaiting the chance to work, uninterrupted.  I know God's messing with me, and I'm ready to do some wrestling.  I have a ton of books to read.  I have a date with God.

Still reeling from the impact of last Sunday's service and the implications for our community.  Life is messy.  Community is messy.  Churches sometimes make it messier.  It's a challenge.

The girls are full-swing into raising funds and planning for their summer mission trip to Macedonia.  I am incredibly proud of them.  They are focused and excited.

Sarah has finalized plans to spend the summer in Germany with our cousins.  She'll care for their kids and live as a big sister to their family for about 8 weeks.  I'm thrilled - and petrified.  Learning how to let go in a major way.  I find myself wondering what, exactly, I was thinking when I said, "Yes!  What a GREAT idea!!!"  But it is, indeed, a great idea.  My head knows that.  I've got a few weeks before my heart believes it.

Every time I turn around, something else musical is going on.  Friday night, Sarah's playing with the band she has half-way committed to - The Half Jeffersons - at a club in the city.  A guy from our small group is playing a swing band show that same night.  Our PCC band is playing cover tunes at The County Seat Restaurant here in town on Saturday night.  Another PCC group is playing a prayer breakfast on Friday morning in Midlothian.  Of course, there's Easter coming up - lots of music and a choir to boot.  The girls just got a call to play and sing at the upcoming Relay For Life event.

We're busy.

We're broke.

But I'm not anxious about it.  Considering this: 

If you grasp and cling to life on your terms, you'll lose it, but if you let that life go, you'll get life on God's terms.  - Luke 17.33

Yes.  In spite of my tendency to grasp and cling, that's what I want.  I'm learning to let go.  I do believe that in the end, life on God's terms is better than the melted mess left in my hands.

Hallelujah To The God Who Saves

Sometimes I realize with profound clarity that the life of our church community is complex and far-reaching.  I know that there are dynamic and fascinating small groups meeting every night of the week all over the county; folks are meeting for discipleship classes, connected at the Y, meeting for coffee, stopping by the office for appointments, working at the church house in Cartersville, planning events, etc.  PCC folks are networking all over the place.  And obviously we get together for our large celebration and worship experience on Sundays at PHS.

Tonight, I was reminded about how powerful any of our gatherings can be.  There's this verse in the Bible that says, "Where two or more or gathered, I'm there" (referring to Jesus).  I experienced that tonight, as I do every time I visit FOCUS.

Teenagers meet on Sunday nights at Powhatan Elementary School.  The crowd varies, as do the activities.  Tonight, they finished up a series called Collide that featured several youth speakers, as well as youth pastor Angie Frame.  Marc Chewning did a fantastic job, reminding us of a couple things that caught my attention.

"God's called every one of us to SOMETHING.  Some of us are missing this."

I was led in worship, simply and gently, by a graceful, beautiful girl who sang songs of praise with her guitar and her angelic voice.  (Okay, it was my daughter - so I'm a little biased - but even if I didn't know the girl, I'd be blessed.)  In this hollow room, without fancy sound equipment or lights or anything but each other, a small group of people sang loudly and passionately about God.

"Hallelujah to the God who saves

I will never be the same

Hallelujah to the God who saves

I'll stand and my world will be changed"

I was so blown away, but by the smallest, most intimate thing:  A community of people, seeking God, simply being together.  It was awesome.

I love my church.  I love my God.  I am so grateful.

My Confession

When our income tax refund comes in, I usually take a bit of it and buy something for the house. Curtains, a chair, cookware; there's always something that we could use that seems like a reasonable splurge.

This year, things have been so hectic and crazy that I decided rather than buying stuff to put in the house, I'd work in the opposite direction.

I paid someone to clean my house.

There, I confessed.  

She promised me that it would be an out-of-body experience.  It did feel - and smell - wonderful when I walked in the door.  My initial reaction was that it was worth every penny.  And it's certainly an incentive to keep things tidy - and to clean the rest of the house (I could only afford to have her clean the bottom floor).

My kids tell me that they've worked up an arrangment to trade some babysitting time for cleaning with a friend of the family.  I'm thinking that might be a good deal.

We'll need it asap.  David came home and promptly began to work on his grasslands ecosystem project, so there are giraffes, lions, pieces of felt and construction paper trimmings all over the dining room table....and the floor....

Life goes on...

Snow Day!

We got snow last night - a big load!  It's the biggest and best snowfall we've seen in Virigina since we arrived five years ago!  

We tried to dig up snow pants and coats - unfortunately, most of what we have has been outgrown.  Gloves and mittens were hard to find as well.

But we made the best of it and the kids have had a great time playing outside.

No power at our house, so we've relocated to my parents' place for a day.  Or two.  Rumor has it that today's Snow Vacation will be extended to a two-day break.  It might be tough, being gone for two days from home with nothing to do.

Except Mom and Dad have cable.

My Valentine's Day

I slept in.  From 8:30 - 9:00ish, I had a very weird dream.  Wrigley Field was in Kansas.  Kim Bontrager was showing me around the state, riding on a tiny train - like the kind you take around the zoo.  It was all good until we went down a very steep hill and I realized the train was some sort of roller coaster.  Kim insisted it was normal.

It was extraordinarily strange.

On to real life:  I headed to the County Seat Restaurant, reknowned for their weekend breakfast buffet.  My parents showed up, unexpected but cheerful.  We shared a cup of coffee together.

I got in the car with The Man of Many Surprises.  We headed west.  That's all I knew.

Listened to Bruce Hornsby the whole way, wondering how I ever missed this guy.  Incredible musician, unbelieveably creative...anyway, on we drove.

Right around Charlottesville, we exited the highway and headed up the mountain.  I realized our destination:

We were at Monticelllo.  I was thrilled!  I've wanted to go ever since my first trip with the kids up to Carters Mountain.

We wandered the grounds for a few hours, listening to the Oprah-like saga of Sally Hemings' daliances with Thomas Jefferson and the subsequent DNA testing results, visiting gravestones, checking out walls and gardens and 200-year old fireplaces.  The house tour was remarkable.

I left anxious to get my hands on that biography about Jefferson, or maybe ready to set aside time to watch the mini-series.  The entire experience was fascinating, well-done and a testimony to the right way to preserve history.  If you haven't done Monticello, put it on your short list.  

It was a stellar day, capped off with a Snickers Blizzard.

Oh, yeah - then I got home and saw that my girls had cleaned the house.  People, it just doesn't get better than that.

Color me content.

We're Gonna Figure It Out

Gathered up from a post on Milton's blog, here is something I recognized today. 

This, taken from the Bruce Springsteen interview in Rolling Stone, describes how I feel about my life. My job. My friends. My family. My fellow musicians at PCC. The people - my friends - with whom I work.  Here is my life:

All you want is for your voice to be part of the record, at a particular time and place. You try to be on the right side of history. And maybe some other kid will hear that and go, “Oh, yeah, that sounds like the place I live.” ...And the fire I feel in myself and the band – it’s a very enjoyable thing. It carries an element of desperateness. It also carries an element of thankfulness. We are perched at a place where we want to continue on – with excellence. That’s our goal. And all the rest of the stuff – we’re gonna figure it out.

It's been a difficult week.  I have struggled with feeling inept, incapable of fixing things. Helpless in the face of friends who say they're losing ground, giving up. Burdened by the raw, aching wounds of people around me. Hurt by criticism and misunderstanding.

I quite like this notion of living with a combination of desperation and gratitude.  And I can cling to the notion of being perched - what a great word! - at a place where we "want to continue on with excellence".

Struck down, but not destroyed.  Persecuted, not abandoned.  Pressed, but not crushed.

Hallelujah.

And thank You.

Breaking Free

I'm currently going through this Beth Moore Bible study called "Breaking Free", both as a personal exercise and as a way to share with a friend who is looking to grow in her relationship with God.

I've been blown away.

(I also must mention that every single time I think about the workbook or the study, my mind instantly goes to High School Musical.  "Soaring....flying..."  I'm hoping that passes, eventually....)

When I was a younger stay-at-home-mom - and a new Christ-follwer, Bible study groups were my lifeline and primary means of social interaction.  Living in a tiny town in Texas with two, then three, then four babies under the age of five, I didn't get out much.  The women who were living life as I am now - 15 to 18 years into the parenting thing - seemed like foreign creatures to me.  I couldn't comprehend a family life that didn't include diapers and baby food, uninterrupted sleep and a baby firmly rooted to your hip.  But they were there, living around me, and along with the women who'd passed through that stage and moved into the empty nest or grandparent era, they held me up.

Not necessarily through social means - long phone conversations, lunches out, shopping expeditions, etc.  None of that was a reality or even an interest for me.

But these women met for Bible study, weekly.  And they dug in, hard.

And they valued child care.  Somebody else always made arrangements for there to be a child care provider there in the church or the community room or the library - wherever we were meeting.  They took care of that for the moms, so we could have two hours of focus on learning about God.

Not until this season of life do I recognize the gift I was given.

See, here's a confession:  I try to have the Word of God "hidden in my heart", as the Bible says.  Not all of it, of course, but I have paid attention for the last 20 years, and I've learned some things.  Much of what I learned sunk in and took root during those Bible studies.  That's a good thing, for sure.  But these days?  Sadly, when you "do church" and ministry, often big chunks of what looks like "Bible study" can be more accurately termed "work prep".  It's still the Bible - it's still powerful and relevant and meaningful, but there's a difference.  And I can read daily email devotions and journal and all that - but there's still a definite difference between those activities and a pointed, focused Bible study.

So I'm pounding through Breaking Free and loving it, absolutely loving it - knowing for certain that my knowledge of and relationship with God is growing because of this investment I'm making.

But, as always, I think like a minister or a pastor or a church worker.  I think about my friends who are currently going through Experiencing God with Chauncey Starkey through the iD program at PCC, and I get all excited about what they're....well, experiencing.  I think about the community Bible study that's happening here in Powhatan and wonder how many moms of little ones don't know about it, who might need to be encouraged and invited.

I think about this Breaking Free study and wonder how many of you might want or need to go through the same thing.

I think about our church and wonder when I can organize something to give time and resources and care and energy and a chance to learn about God - like I was given in tiny little Hico, Texas - to moms who need it.

I think about our church and the tremendous excitement we have for God and for one another - and the tremendous need we have to learn the truth.

I'm grateful today.  

And I'm wondering about you:  Are you doing any in-depth Bible study?  What's it like?  If not, do you want to?  What are you craving?

What Leadership Demands

I came to my job at PCC with relatively low expectations for my role and responsibilities.  After worshiping from the seats for several months as an attender (and crying through the services, just like so many others) I eventually began to serve as a musician.  They needed a piano player, and I played, so there you go.

When a larger need presented itself, I was asked to help with some organizational and administrative stuff for the music team.  That role opened up to an offer to come on staff; I could hardly believe the offer was extended, but there were too many indicators that God was involved.  I left my secure, salaried, benefit-rich position in Chesterfield County and came to work for Powhatan Community Church.

I've never regretted it.

One of the most rewarding parts of my role here is the opportunity to stretch my leadership wings.  I had an early start in that area; growing up, I was always in charge of something.  Class officer, student council officer, president of this and that club, leader of this and that organization.  I was our high school's nominee to the Hugh O'Brien Youth Leadership Seminar as a sophomore.  I was outgoing, outspoken and very involved.  Once I earned my teaching credentials, I was active and inventive and aggressive with new ideas and programs; I loved teaching and was eager to pursue the development of anything and everything we could dream up - especially when somebody said it couldn't be done.

In the midst of all of this activity, circumstances in my life led me to the place where I embraced a real relationship with Jesus for the first time; although the church had a place in my life, up until this point it held no meaning other than what was culturally and traditional important to me and my family.  But around 1987, I met Jesus.  It changed my life.

I became very zealous, very focused and very excited about plugging back into a local church.  I was warmly welcomed into a small, loving church that was rooted in rather basic, fundamental, conservative theology - and culture.  I loved that church and the people, and strove to accept the teachings I heard and those that were modeled, based on my desire to live as a "good Christian" and really understand what it meant to sincerely follow Jesus.  I really wanted to do this right.

In that particular time and place, in a fairly fundamentalist environment, I learned to equate being a "good Christian" with a form of submission that required burying my tendency to lead.  Without ever being sternly instructed in such things, I slowly absorbed the notion that my Christian life could not safely include my past - a past that reeked of leading most everything I got involved in - primarily because of my gender.  So, I fought hard to be somebody completely new - clinging to that "new creature in Christ" idea.  I wanted to be not just a "good Christian", but a "good Christian woman".

I tried.  In doing so, my attempts to be somebody completely different harmed not only me, but those around me.  I know that in an effort to be a "good wife" according to misinterpreted standards, I failed to bring my authentic self to my marriage - and that contributed to its downfall.  I felt like an imposter in my own life.  I never understood how to connect my past - just the simple life I had during high school and college - with the person I felt I was supposed to be, post-Jesus.

Moving out of the Bible belt, experiencing grace, opening my eyes and ears to different, Bible-based teaching - and completely falling on my butt in terms of my pathetic attempts to "be a good Christian" - all these things combined to bring me to a new place.  And the circle began to close, somewhat, in this new place - when I arrived in Powhatan.  I'd begun to hear and understand hints of a richer, more authentic form of grace - a Jesus that was fuller and stronger and more complete than what I'd been taught.  I'd heard it in Cleveland, at Fellowship Bible Church.  I'd heard it from Jamie Rasmussen and Doug Flood.  I'd seen it lived out in women like Sharon Rowland and Tish Lushiano and Sharon Lloyd.

I was able to taste it when I was exposed completely, broken, and forgiven freely.

The circle of grace closed around me here in Powhatan, gathered me towards a new role and responsibility at PCC, and has spun me around, safely inside its walls, only to thrust me out into a new - and yet very familiar - place.  I live in this circle of grace, tethered to its center - my friend, my Lord, my savior - free to go out and work and live and be, all the while welcomed home.  It is such a different thing, this living in grace.  So much safer than being a "good Christian".

What prompts all this?  A post I read tonight on this blog, one titled "What Leadership Demands".  You see, between the faithful, patient friendship and encouragement of Brian Hughes, the partnership of Kevin Salyer, the kind, steadfast example of Angie Frame, the passion for the Word of Sammy Frame, the gentle spirit of Lori Wheeler, the quiet strength of Susan Hughes, the strong, steady hand of Chauncey Starkey, the unyielding can-do attitude of John Starkey, the honest, fiery indenpendence of Kim Meza and the kind, listening ear of Dennis Green, I have been held up, prayed for, pushed toward, yelled at, convicted of and loved into the sweet spot of life.

I am a leader.  God made me that way, years ago.  Even now, it seems presumptuous to type those words.  It frightens me, seems like I'm "getting too big for my britches".  I'm afraid somebody might hear me, and cut me back down to size.

"You're a leader?  Ha.  Who do you think you are?  You're just a girl...just a piano player...just a teacher...that's all.  Who do you think you are?"

But over and over again, it comes back.  I see it, I feel it, I experience it.  And I have finally learned to accept it, to marry my history with my present tense.  I feel that I am becoming, through the grace of God, all that He has intended me to be.  He has molded the broken, battered, sometimes unwilling clay of my life into a ragged pot - but I have finally learned the joy of yielding to the pressure of his direction, rather than fighting it.  For even with the purest of motives, fighting God makes you sweat.  It's exhausting and draining.

I am a leader.  

And for you, for the Kingdom, for all who have invested in me and loved me and fought with me and pushed me - I want to be the very best leader I can be.  I read this post and cry, recognizing a few things, longing for others, knowing that God placed something inside of me that fits who I am with who I want to be, exactly where I am.

I simply cannot imagine anything better.

After the thawing of the frozen water pipes today (what a GREAT way to start a Saturday...) I did what I'd been hoping to do for a while now:  made an IKEA run.

My first visit to IKEA was on a trip to Chicago to see my brother and his family.  I was stunned.  And happy.  And greedy.  I'll never forget lugging oversized IKEA bags on the plane back to Cleveland, stuffing cd racks and cups and lights and picture frames and all sorts of incredible, awesome, gotta-have-it-now stuff.  We tried to stuff everything in the overhead bins and earned ourselves several glares and outright disapproval from fellow passengers.  

I was hooked.  Willing to be embarrassed, I didn't care.  Absolutely loved the place.

Realizing later that we could get to the Pittsburgh IKEA in a few short hours, I made that trip more than once.  The most memorable was a venture with several friends, culminating with a picture frame that was broken before we arrived home and my (then) husband waiting at home, already aware of how much I'd spent (thank you, online banking and debit cards). 

After relocating to Richmond, the store in Northern Virginia became a great way-station for me.  Often, after taking the kids to spend time with their dad, I'd stop at IKEA on the way home for some retail therapy.  Sometimes I'd spend little more than $20 on a few frames and lunch for myself - and several hours wandering the aisles, working through some sort of subconscious loss and longing for home.  It's a great place to imagine starting over again, with all sorts of fresh visions and positive expectations.  I have good memories.

Today's trip was fun - I went primarily in search of curtain rods and curtains and the chair.  I bought a few of those chairs when I moved into this house - put them together myself - and they remain the most durable chairs in the house.  Every other stinkin' chair we own is either broken completely, reduced to one of two arms, cracking or creaking.  But those simple wood chairs?  Indestructable!

Armed with a generous gift card I received at Christmas time, we headed north.

I spent my gift card.

And more.

But I got two chairs.  And curtain rods (for ONE DOLLAR AND FORTY-NINE CENTS, PEOPLE!!!!) And three plants.  And a little table.  And a bookshelf for the girls.  And a cool light.

And little teeny tiny things that you buy at IKEA because, gosh darn it, they're just such GOOD DEALS!  Meaning they cost a dollar or something.

It was a good day - a restful day.  And the water's still running.  And tomorrow's church.

Yes.

God Can Do Anything, You Know...

I had a phone call early (for me, anyway) this morning.  It was a friend who wanted to share something from the Bible that she felt was really pertinent to our church right now.  

It's a scripture verse I've read before, but in light of the week's events and the undercurrent of electricity and anticipation that I feel about our the future, it spoke powerfully to me today.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

My friend emphasized the part about glory in the church and encouraged me to seize that.  

It's resonated in my head and heart all morning.  I sought out that verse in The Message, knowing that Peterson always gives a slightly different slant to the words of scripture that ALWAYS prompts me to think and often touches me deeply.  Here's his take:

"God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.

Glory to God in the church!
Glory to God in the Messiah, in Jesus!
Glory down all the generations!
Glory through all millennia! Oh, yes!"

I'm keeping that close to my heart today, this practical voicing of an immense idea:  God can do anything, you know...

Oh, yeah.

It makes me wonder what's going on, what he's working within you, deeply and gently, to create something that you can't even imagine.  It's happening in many of us.  It's happening in our church.

Oh, yeah.  

What's he doing in you?

Scriptures from Ephesians 3

Must-See TV

This is pretty much my favorite tv show now.  And 'The Biggest Loser'.  Love that, too.  Makes me cry.

But 'The Office' has become a favorite, simply because of the unbelieveably painful humor to be found in real, live humans.  I can laugh at those characters, surrogates for some of the strange situations we encounter in real life.  The tv situation depicts a weirder workplace situation than I have ever encountered.  It's sort of refreshing to be able to watch from afar and laugh a bit without hurting anybody's feelings.  Loved the new episode tonight, when Angela's two-timing is revealed and we get to witness Andy and Dwight work through their reactions.  It was so fitting to see the chickens come home to roost as they each symbolically cut their ties to the woman who betrayed both of them.

Our staff at church all received word this week of some pretty harsh pay cuts.  Everybody's hurting - some more deeply than others.  It's a lot to process, but a great opportunity for growth.  Our workplace situation is full of some amazing characters - some with interesting personality perks, quirky habits and interesting passions.  But every one of them is good and decent.  I trust them all and care for them deeply.  I think we all ache for one another as we each navigate the change in our paychecks.

It's not 'The Office', but at times it's just as entertaining.  And, in the end, it's a lot more rewarding.

I love my job.

To The End Of 2008

This morning's devotional was spot-on for the final day of 2008.  Who knows what next year will bring?  

I can't even imagine.

But here's where I hope to focus, from Thomas Merton's Thoughts In Solitude (and what a concept that is, for a girl like me.....):

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone. - Thomas Merton

"Trust you always."  I hope this for you; I hope this for me.  For my family, for my individual children.  My friends.  My PCC community.  And I choose to cling to this notion that "working out our salvation with fear and trembling" will really show us that it is God who works in us "to will and act according to his good purpose" (Philipians 2.12-13)

If I didn't believe I had that kind of almighty, power-filled help, I don't know that I could make it.

Whatever your fears, whatever your circumstances, I hope you catch a glimpse of the great leading mercy of God - today, as we end one year, and tomorrow, as we begin another.

And every day beyond.

Be energetic in your life of salvation, reverent and sensitive before God. That energy is God's energy, an energy deep within you, God himself willing and working at what will give him the most pleasure.  Do everything readily and cheerfully—no bickering, no second-guessing allowed! Go out into the world uncorrupted, a breath of fresh air in this squalid and polluted society. Provide people with a glimpse of good living and of the living God. Philipians 2.12-13, The Message

Heart-Shattered Lives

"For grace to be grace, it must give us things we didn't know we needed and take us to places where we didn't want to go."

Apparently I needed to learn a bit more about grace.  Because I've gotten some serious helpings of it this week.  And I've gone some places I didn't really want to go.

I've tackled a huge project in the last two weeks.  In my passion and zeal for doing good, I ended up doing some damage.

I'm beating myself up a bit for not being more careful, more thoughtful.  For not planning ahead and paying attention to detail.  For neglecting the ongoing things that must be done in an effort to tackle a whole bunch of new stuff that needed to be done.  For ignoring the needs of people in my rush to formulate a plan. 

Grace showed me all this, with tenderness and kindness and understanding.  With patience.  It doesn't necessarily soften the reality of the things I did wrong, but it puts things in perspective.

So I'm left with a big bunch of grace.  It came to bring me things I didn't know I needed - a gentle, loving reprimand that broke my heart.  A firm reminder that 'words matter'.  A few healthy questions about ideas and plans uncommunicated that left others feeling ignored and left behind. A face-to-face meeting with someone who said, "You really hurt my feelings."  A friend, hurt.  A roomful of people, shell-shocked by ill-prepared, poorly chosen words.

Add that to a few things unsaid, awkward moments of conversation that made it obvious that something was amiss, and you have a ripe opportunity for an invitation to grace.

Today, all these things came home to show me what I needed.

"Have mercy on me, oh God, according to your steadfast love, according to your great  compassion blot out my many trangressions.  Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from sin."  Psalm 51,1-3 (NIV)

I know this by heart.  I lived in the middle of these words for a long season of my life.

Tonight, the same scripture, paraphrased different, spoke to my heart:

"Generous in love - God, give grace!  Huge in mercy - wipe out my bad record!"  Psalm 51.1 (The Message)

I feel foolish, and ashamed, and dumb.  I feel insensitive and unkind.  I'm embarrassed.

And yet I do not feel unloved.

I feel grace.

"Going through the motions doesn't please you; a flawless performance is nothing to you.  I learned God-worship when my pride was shattered. Heart-shattered lives ready for love don't for a moment escape God's notice."  Psalm 51.16-17 (The Message)

*quote above from Kathleen Norris, via A Song Not Scored For Breathing

Church Business Meeting - No Punches Thrown!

We had a great gathering tonight, at our annual 'Membership Meeting'.  It's actually the only business meeting our church has all year.  It's perfunctory; we have an agenda meeting the week before, during which concerns and questions are discussed.  We met tonight for dinner, worship and a vote - which went basically like this:

Chauncey:  "Yada yada yada yada...yada yada....all in favor?"

All:  "Aye!"

Chauncey:  "Motion passed!  Item two, blah blah blah blah blah...all in favor?"

All:  "Aye!"

Chauncey:  "Motion passed!"

Etc.

Not to belittle Chauncey, our moderator; he is awesome.  But our leadership does such a stellar job of dealing with conflict so that there is no cause for old-fashioned church business meeting conflict.  It's awesome!

After the 'business' part, we get down to the serious business of worship.  It's great for us, because we can unleash, relax and just play - often a bit more than the typical Sunday.  We had a great line up tonight, and with just basic prep, we had a great time playing.

Afterwards, Kevin said he thinks we'll get band shirts printed with a definitive slogan:  "It'll be fine!"  Apparently I say that a lot.

Several things weren't fine tonight. 

• We forgot the keyboards.  Then, we when went back to get them, we forgot the stands.  I had to do soundcheck crouched on the floor like a frog in front of the keys.  It was ridiculous.  And humbling.  Just in case I get too big for my britches...
• We forgot to announce that the band needed to go through the buffet line first.  So they ended up last.  By the time they sat down, it was time to start playing.  It wasn't pretty.
• I got to share some info about a new communications strategy, but I pretty much bored even myself.  So that wasn't so great.  But it was good practice for the future.  
  
• The awesome video piece that would make everybody cry as we reflected on the changed lives we've been privileged to witness this year?  No audio.
• The pastor who worked for five hours to make that awesome video?  Frustrated.

But you can't keep a good team down, and you can't quench the spirit of God when it's moving. Dennis shared some incredible and inspirational words.  Brian challenged and inspired us with his truthful but in-your-face statements, at one point getting down on his knees to make a particular point.  Our musicians did an incredible job of being flexible and bringing excellent attitudes to an important night.  We all worked together to tear down and reposition all the furniture in the room for Bethel Baptist Church's service tomorrow morning (thanks, guys!)

Looking out over the room at a few hundred people committed to the core of our fellowship, I was moved deeply.  These are people that I know and love, who are making all sorts of sacrifices for the work God is doing through the church.  It was a beautiful sight.

It'll be fine.  It already is.

"Qualified by grace."

Just thinking about that today.

*inspired, as often, by Anne Jackson

...And I Want You For All Time...

'Cause I've got this Jimmy Webb thing going on...

'Cause I've always had a soft spot for James Taylor...

'Cause the instrumental break in this tune is unbelievably delicious...

'Cause what's not to like about music on a big ol' front porch?

Thanks, Milton.

James Taylor - Wichita Lineman
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